Things that make your ears bleed: Dhinchak Pooja

India is a wonderful nation, where people of different castes, cultures, languages and variable IQ levels co-exist. In this glorious nation, we have many genres of music, both the original kind and the songs re-done by Anu Malik or Baadshah. Hence, I am not entirely surprised that in India, every kind of musical talent is given a chance to prove its worth, including the new YouTube sensation, the current queen of IndiPop and possibly the mother of dragons, Dhinchak Pooja.

I was always a part of the youth who wanted their parents to stop shoving education down their throats and let them pursue their dreams. Three Dhinchak Pooja songs later, I have effectively switched sides, and now I’m a part of ‘listen to your kid’s voice at least once before you even let him/her roam near the microphone‘ team. Her songs have meaningless, borderline-absurd lyrics, computer-generated beats playing on loop, and a progression that you may end up dancing to if you have taken enough amount of drugs. Actually, that is true for every EDM song ever.

In her quest to become an international sensation, Dhinchak Pooja is not leaving a stone unturned. Her songs, for whatever reason, are getting millions of views, she has her own cult following called the Dhinchuks(Arabic for ullu ke paththe), and her lyrics include, or are in entirety, the words Daaru, Selfie, Swag and Scooter. Going at this rate, we will soon have Sanam Puri covers of her songs. Imagine Selfie Maine le li aaj in his voice. Armageddon.

She is getting a lot of criticism for her lack of musical talent, stupid lyrics, and existence on earth in general, but I must admire her courage. She is giving the same number of fucks that a cow dropping a turd in the middle of the road gives to the cars honking at it, where dropping a turd is also an effective metaphor to describe the act of releasing her latest song Dilon ka Shooter. People say that she is doing what she loves, and she should not care about what others think of her. I agree, because India is a free country, and nothing can stop Rahul Gandhi from being a politician, Taco Bell from being a food restaurant, and Dhinchak Pooja from being a singer.

My hatred for her reminds me of my old part-time job as a Sonam Kapoor critic, where critic is a mild word because mummy kehti hai gaaliyan dena buri baat hai, while Sonam and Kapoor are two words that along with President Trump and Arvind Kejriwal, belong to my list of ‘Two words that are hilarious when put together’. Sonam Kapoor claims she is an actress, and after 13 movies, gave us the national award winning performance in Neerja. Let’s see how many songs it takes for Dhinchak Pooja to give us a Grammy-winner finally.

Call me an optimist or a feminist. It’s your choice.

Or may be she is India’s answer to Taher Shah. We are a competitive nation, after all. 

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13 reasons why you won’t care about Manchester City Delhi becoming official

My tryst with the game of football goes back a long way. From the third to sixth year of existence on earth, my elder brother used my head as a ball on numerous occasions, and let’s just say my IQ highlights the fact that he was a good defensive midfielder in his school days. The first football tournament that I watched was International World Cup 2002, and during 2002-2010, I resurfaced every 2 years during Euros and World Cup to discuss the then-famous players, to buy a football to play for one evening and then let it be eaten by rats, and to deduce that England weren’t winning because they were, well, England.

I used to think club football has no real meaning, since it has no sense of patriotism in it. Then I was introduced to Manchester City in 2011, and they played in an entertaining way I had never seen before. Needless to say, I was the newest member of the clan of 1230AM kickoff addicts and people who enjoy jokes on Manchester United. In very less time, I found a lot of other Manchester City fans in and around Delhi, which is why I think I would rock if I ever joined Tinder. We took the initiative of contacting the club, and now have been officially recognised by the club. Here are a few reasons why you would NOT care about it:

1. The benefits of being official are easier tickets to games, which I concede I may never be able to go to because #MiddleClass, and discounts on merchandise, which I may never buy because I do my shopping at Colaba Causeway and Palika Bazaar and my merchandise compared to the real stuff, is same as what masturbation is in comparison to sex.

2. You think I don’t even know where Manchester is. Well I can pin point it on a map for you, but I won’t because I am not anti-national and I will not touch any map other than India’s.

3. You think it is useless because Indian football has no future. BC ek baar Tu FIFA 16 me aa ke dikha mere saamne.

4. You are determined that you will start watching club football only if Chennai Super Kings start playing football.

5. You think I shouldn’t waste my time on football at all and concentrate on my studies, to which my direct reply to you is “Mom! Please move aside, I can’t see the TV screen.”

6. You think Manchester City is a small club with Arab money. Yes. I support a rich, humble club, which plays beautiful football and has a sense of humour. I don’t think that it is that bad a thing.

7. You think that Manchester city has no history. Well, that is usually a long debate in which you throw Wikipedia screenshots in my face and I start to doubt if your parents were siblings. Maybe City has no history. I’ll be happy if I’m there while they make it.

8. You don’t care about English football because you’re entire knowledge of football is limited to either Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo.

9. You don’t care about English football because you’re a woman and I think casual sexism is sometimes funny.

10. You don’t care about English football because you are an Indian and care only about cricket to which I must say, “Oye Gautam Gambhir, grow up na yaar!”

11. You are a Manchester United fan and you’re jealous because you’re a Manchester United fan and that’s your superpower.

12. You think that I’m alone in this supporters group and have no one else with me. Well, that may be true for my life in general, but let me assure we are growing well as a supporters club.

13. You think this post was unnecessary and now you hate me and the idea of sports in general.

Pick your own reason. Clichéd City jokes and heated arguments are welcome.

Oh, and also, #WengerOut.

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#LetsUpvaas because everything is banned

After the heart-breaking ban on Maggi, and the logic-defying ban on beef, a master at exaggeration and relatively unemployed BJP legislator Ramesh Arora, (in his attempt to seem important) has now asked for a ban on the national dish of Shahdara: Momos. He has based his idea on the fact that Momos contain monosodium glutamate, aka ajinomoto, which is an addictive, carcinogenic chemical. Now, to prevent ajinomoto from causing cancer in humans, there were multiple options:

1. Ban production and usage of ajinomoto.

2. Ban production of things that contain ajinomoto, like Momos.

3. Ban production of people who make Momos, which is essentially getting every Nepalese immigrant vasectomised.

Of course, BJP took the second option because Sanjay Gandhi once took the third option and apparently we live in a cruel heartless society where you can’t even cut someone’s vas deferens for some innocent fun. BJP didn’t take the first option because ABEY O ANTI-NATIONAL SAALE BJP KI POLICY PE SAWAAL KARTA HAI?

Of course, we can live without momos and other Chinese cuisine dishes (or as they call it in Dilshad Garden, chaineej aytems) which contain ajinomoto, but look at what our other options are:

1. We could eat Maggi but then it was banned for excessive lead, and it caused a situation of utter chaos, where students had to eat the tortured-tape-worm-shaped Top Ramen noodles during exams and Tom Uncle’s Maggi Point in DU got demoted to Tom Uncle’s Point, which was pointless.

2. We could eat chicken but then bird flu happened. We could eat pork but then swine flu happened. We could eat mutton par ye June wali Eid to meethi Eid hai. We could eat fish but then Bombil is the only affordable fish and it smells like Arvind Kejriwal’s feelings towards Narendra Modi. We could eat beef but it is too early to have the last meal of our lives for many of us. 

3. We could eat Dal but go ask your parents how expensive it is, and eventually the conversation will reach at how you’ll end up selling their​ house because you spend like an idiot.

4. We could eat soya dishes, which are the Palika-Bazaar copies of butter chicken, and no self-respecting Punjabi will ever sink that low. 

5. We could eat khichdi or idli but then there would be no difference between my diarrhea and non-diarrhea days.

I have to agree that if a certain food item has a carcinogenic ingredient without which it cannot be prepared, it needs to be banned and put off the menu, just like BJP has banned other carcinogenic things such as cigarettes, bidis and the logic of its bhakts and the acts of cow vigilantes. Oh. Wait.

There are a lot of other killer things that deserve the society’s attention. Falling in love and getting friendzoned kills more people on the inside than any amount of ajinomoto ever can. Pressure of entrance exams is more lethal to our social life than a plate of steamed chicken momos for two years. The ‘ssssh ssssh’ hissing sound that people make while having the red chilli dip with momos is more poisonous to the environment than the entire stack of momos on that stove. Clearly, we are concentrating on the wrong problem here.

Having said all that, I think I’ll be able to live in a country without momos. It’s not the issue that is of paramount importance to me or the nation. However, if they ever try to even think of putting a ban on Gol-Gappe, yaad rakhna… Talwaarein chal jayengi. 

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