Rumourously Yours, 2016

A lot of bad things happened in 2016. Tragedies happened in Syria and France, Trump became the president of the United States, Kya Kool Hain Hum sequel got released, Arvind Kejriwal and Shobhaa De continued using their vocal cords, so yes, it was a pretty sad year in general. Still, the optimistic(or helpless otherwise) animal that we Homo sapiens are, we could not digest the fact that it was a completely useless year, hence we just went ahead and created the news that we perhaps wanted to hear. Sometimes we did it because we wanted to feel good about ourselves. Other times, we did it for sheer fun, just to see how random or stupid we could get before our own WhatsApp creativity could go viral. Here are the best rumours that did the rounds in 2016:

1. UNESCO awards.

As per WhatsApp forwards, our national anthem and Narendra Modi were judged as the best anthem and Prime Minister in the world respectively. So other than being an international peace corporation for promotion of science and culture, UNESCO also became the pathetic international version of Indian Idol and Bigg Boss. Although fake, it was still a thing to be happy about, yet I kept waiting for some bhakt to pop-up and take offence as to why UNESCO didn’t add ‘ji’ after the word Modi. Also, there was a doubt that the UNESCO jury didn’t stand up when the anthem was played, so an RSS team well versed in patriotic motivation techniques like fist fighting and using a hockey stick was dispatched at the earliest.

2. Next-gen 2k note.

Demometization was a huge thing, I finished the year without money in my wallet, but I choose not to complain, because it is still better than a USA citizen who finished 2016 without a leader with a respectable IQ or a person from middle-east who finished the year without a head on his shoulders. In the aftermath of that came my favorite rumour of the year that the new 2000 rupee note has a GPS chip and radio-active ink, which will help to catch if there is hoarding of large number of notes. 
We Indians are an inquisitive lot, and some of us tore the note apart to look for the chip, only to find themselves with a destroyed 2000 rupee note, and that epidemic led to the most popular Twitter trend of the year #ChutiyaBanaYaarDiyaModiNe. The entire rumour sequence was fun, and I tried to start a few myself, like the new note honestly flies out of your wallet if you haven’t paid your taxes and that the Gandhi photo on it bobs its head to Eminem lyrics if the music is loud enough. Unfortunately, my creativity never caught on.

3. Death of Morgan Freeman.

The 79-year old actor Morgan Freeman, also known as slightly darker Om Puri of the west, was rumoured to be dead for the nth year in a row. The stories grow so much every year in terms of details as to when and how he died, that he must pinch himself too to feel alive on reading such a click-baiting article. This year though, a few websites went ahead and declared the death of Britney Spears too, who probably was busy at that time trying to prove to the cops that she is not Lindsey Lohan. 

4. Najeeb Jung’s replacement. 

The LG of New Delhi(I still don’t know what LG stands for so I’ll let it be) Mr. Najeeb Jung, also known as recurring Piles problem in Arvind Kejriwal’s life, resigned earlier this month, and Kejriwal probably celebrated with a movie, and overdosing on whiskey and/or cough syrup. Though now Kiran Bedi is rumoured to be coming back from Puducherry to make his life miserable again, and we will see his ‘sulky uncle who doesn’t get Jalebi at wedding’ face very soon. 

I am hoping for better news and rumours in 2017, like complete ban by WHO on lip-surgeries, Kejriwal’s twitter account to allow only movie reviews, ‘PayTM accepted here’ stickers to be stuck on bar-dancers’ waists for the ease of business, and of course a new Morgan Freeman story. Just for old times’ sake. 

Wishing you all a very happy new year. May you remember most of your resolutions after the party on 31st. 


About Ankit Sharma

Doctor and Drummer in making... Movie-buff since birth.
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One Response to Rumourously Yours, 2016

  1. Himika says:

    Well put, bro! Wish you a very happy new year..

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