A relationship between a man and a woman has evolved through ages. From the stone age of hitting the woman on the head and carrying her on a shoulder into the cave, to the current scenario of buying a woman a drink and then spending the next two hours making a complete fool of yourself to eventually reach KLPD (which when translated into Hindi is ‘No means No’), the society has come a long way. Women have made the concept of relationship beautiful by nurturing it with their beauty and affection, while men have contributed equally with their charm and excuses to sneak out for beer and live sports. To be brutally honest, women are better at most things in a relationship, and the list of things men are better at is limited to peeing while standing up and changing tubelights, in that order. Women are also better at celebrating a relationship in style, including giving gifts.
Let me explain why giving a gift to your partner is an art and men are accomplished artists the same way Arvind Kejriwal is an artist at not putting his foot in his mouth. A gift is a great relationship tool. Of course it brings a smile on your partner’s face and brings you two closer, but more importantly it is a brilliant future argument winner and a get-out-of-jail-free card for next few weeks. Depending on the gesture, the surprise element and (though not applicable to me because #GareebForever) the budget, the gift can get you anything from a hug to completely forgetting that one incident where she accidentally pressed ‘x’ on your chrome browser and then went through your web history with a ghastly ‘how will I ever look at him again’ expression.
The real reason I am writing this is because I am looking for a gift for special someone’s birthday, and time is passing by at the speed of more than one ‘aur kuchh nahi to uske naam ka tattoo banwa lunga’ thoughts a day. It’s not that I haven’t thought of any other ideas, but mostly I have ended up shooting down my own ideas, frankly because I am am idiot and have neither fashion nor common sense.
A bag from a renowned fashion label was one of the earliest ideas that I had, and I ditched it for two reasons. Firstly, I was sure that my choice in handbags would have been awful, and she wouldn’t have used the bag to carry around and flaunt daily, rather it would have been put to use in a similar way my mother has used one of her bags to keep all my old report cards and certificates of participation and that one newspaper with an ad they had put to wish me a happy birthday. So basically I mean Raddi collection. Secondly, the pricing of such brands is always so confusing, because on one extreme you risk making her feel materialistic, and on this end you are a cheapster as you always know you are.
A dress is a great gift as long as your contribution to it is limited to paying for it. Otherwise too, there will be questions like ‘Is it too short?’, ‘Do I look fat in it?’ and ‘Do you think it is inappropriate for the occasion?’, and the answer to any such question HAS TO BE a breathless rendition of NoBabyYouLookLovelyAllOtherGirlsAreNothingInFrontOfYouMaiAgarKahunTumsaHaseenKaynaatMeNahinHaiKahin. In addition to that, the pricetag on a few dresses can cause bladder dysfunction or exacerbate asthma.
I’ll get straight to the point here. Silver is not impressive. Gold is too expensive. Platinum is actuaBWAHAHAHA MAZAAK CHAL RAHA HAI KYA? Diamond is forever but I don’t want to give any long term ideas to her right now. I may be made to suffer for this particular sentence, but this year I have PM Modi and his demonetization scheme to put the blame on, so I am safe with respect to that. Last year I went with the excuse “sharm hi ek aurat ka asli gehna hota hai” and hence now you know why I have a scar on my forehead.
Finally, very seriously, I request all of you to please suggest me some idea for a gift so that I can get a guilt-free pass for a few weeks. I vow total secrecy for your idea if you want, and your idea shall die with me, provided it is not so bad that it gets smashed on my head instead. Else I will have to go with the tattoo idea, and we know how that turned out the last time. Remember, your idea can change my life. Jo de uska bhi bhala, jo na de…