A Few Made-up Problems That Demonetization May Or May Not Solve

Last week, the prime minister of our nation did something that India wouldn’t forget for days to come. He gave the slowest emotional speech humanly possible, and making TV soap producers realise that public could actually sit patiently for just two sentences. Our PM said that “he left his house and family for the service of our nation”, and the statement had something for everyone. The statement had motivation for BJP politicians, emotion for common man, and hypertension for Arvind Kejriwal. Also, before that speech, PM Modi demonetised 500 and 1000 rupee note, justified it as trying to kill black money in possession of the people who had stacked up hordes of liquid money, and now could lubricate those stacks and deposit them in a safe, warm and damp part of their body because no bank would take them without sending an income tax team behind them, which may put their hand up their safe, warm and damp part of body to look for more black money. 

The demonetization move has received a mixed response as while the middle class has hailed the decision and offered patience and support, CM Kejriwal and his party has welcomed the move in a new style called ‘Peet Peet ke chhati syaapa paana’, learnt in recent times while campaigning in Punjab. Anyways, this is not a post to give an argument about whose side I am on (it’s Captain America, by the way), but this is a post that will make you realise the greater good that this scheme may achieve. A few things that had traumatised us for so long, may no longer exist now. Here is a list of things that may become extinct after this move:

1. Over-loaded honeymoon albums

In simpler times of arranged marriages, also called as the 70s decade November Sale by a few parents who had 5 or more daughters, newly-weds went to honeymoon and came back either pregnant or utterly disappointed, and no one ever got to know the details. Now, people go to exotic places and celebrate the joining of two souls in holy matrimony at a rate of clicking and uploading of up to 200 honeymoon photos a day on Facebook. No wonder parents are worried about the new feature Facebook Live, because obviously they expect their kids to avoid newly-wed honeymoon videos on facebook, because xvideos has a better compilation and every kid should know that. 

With demonetization, the affordability may come down and those exotic locations may get replaced by Indian places like Goa, Shimla, and may be even (in a few cases involving adventure-freaks) Wasseypur. Now Goa is not a place to click and put 200 photos of, because half of Delhi’s single guys have just come back from there, are there right now, or are planning a trip next month, and a honeymoon album will not look great if it has a group of men with paunches and beer photo-bombing almost every photo. It is better to just go there and come back either pregnant or disappointed.

2. Punjabi wedding Haute Couture 

I like almost everything about Punjabi weddings, except two things. One is the look that people give me when I fill my entire dinner plate with shahi paneer, and the other is the brilliant fashion sense of Punjabi aunties who, by the time their local Parlour owner is done with them, look like Bappi Lahiri went crazy with Shahnaz Hussain beauty products. Or just with Shahnaz Hussain herself. I am not putting up an allegation that all the jewellery and make-up and clothes has been bought using black money. I am saying that I want to include fake-diamond studded footwear in that list as well. With demonetization, hopefully we will see the fall of over-priced designer sarees, also known as a middle class father’s pain-in-the-ass, and resurgence of ‘saree me aisa defect hai jo aapko dhundne se bhi dikhayi nahi dega’ ads, simply because I miss them. Pure nostalgia. 

3. Over-hyped KLPD movies on Diwali

I love bollywood, and I like festive times. So, I am one of those guys who always get super-excited about all the big-budgeted superstar releases around Diwali. Let me give you a quick recap, as the last six years’ Diwali releases have been Ra.One, Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Son of Sardar, Krissh3, Happy New Year, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and this year’s Ae Dil Hai Mushkil and Shivaay. So, in the past six years, on Diwali, I have seen SRK as a character of a cheap video-game, an army man with unexplainable memory issues but without awesome tattoos, and a diamond thief who dances for cheap thrills. If that wasn’t enough, we also saw Ajay Devgn play a Sikh character that the entire Sikh community is afraid their kids will grow up into if they watch shows with Navjot Sidhu in it, and then a mountaineer with a Belgian ex-girlfriend, which is as believable as Viveik Oberoi’s role in Krissh3 that made members of Cannes film festival  jury stab themselves in the eye. With black money out, movies will be based on logic and story, rather than Salman Khan’s issues with Neil Nitin Mukesh or that faint hope that Ranbeer Kapoor will rediscover himself, err, like he always does.

These are the actual interests that Modi-haters are trying to protect. PM Modi, if you can promise me my dream of a nation with simpler weddings and better Diwali movies and a limit of three public honeymoon photos per couple on Facebook, then I am ready to support you with the only superpower that I have: the patience to stand in any queue for hours and arguing personally with anyone who cuts through the line. I will be your mitr Modiji. I will be your mitr. 


About Ankit Sharma

Doctor and Drummer in making... Movie-buff since birth.
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2 Responses to A Few Made-up Problems That Demonetization May Or May Not Solve

  1. Himika says:

    Too good… ‘Fake diamond studded shoe’ Wala part best hay:)))

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