In every man’s life, there comes a time when he realises that life will never be care-free again. A time to be afraid of. A time when you know that female gender will control your life from then on. That time is when a man gets married. 93% of married men say that time just before getting married was the most scary/unnerving time of their lives (Rest 7% were seated next to their wives during the survey). But this post is not about marriage. This post is about an event that nullifies the chances of a guy getting married. This post is about puberty, or as my guy friends called it, ‘Bro FTV pe kaam ki chiz kitne baje aati hai?‘. Puberty is an awkward time of life where guys develop secondary sexual characters(Medical terminology for #FeelingHorny), more awkwardness with respect to opposite sex and a steep drop in self-esteem similar to Saif Ali Khan’s career after Hum Tum.
Secondary sexual characters, for ease of explanation, can be divided into two categories: Inside underpants and outside underpants. Since this is a family-friendly blog, and I’ve already used the term sexual too many times and might be heading towards a domestic fight, let’s keep the discussion about characters outside pants.
Sudden spurt in height and light moustache growth made me look like the senile retired uncle of the colony who doesn’t return children’s tennis ball once it lands in his house. (Fun Fact: such uncles are the number one reason why children under 14 yrs of age learn abusive language). It meant I finally grew taller than girls of my class, because they had their spurt 2-3 years ago and it had been awkward standing next to them since. The newly grown eye-sore moustache became the 3rd top reason for the opposite sex to not talk to me, right after a shapeless nose and an exceptional dim-wittedness in anything other than NCERT curriculum.
Perhaps the only thing that made the sudden flooding of the body with hormones slightly tolerable was the discovery of Porn. Of course the dial-up internet back then sucked big time, hence it was considered a success if a desibaba photo got downloaded before completion of two premature you-know-whats. Hence it was impossible to watch a video, though it made little difference because the DSLRs back then were known as Nokia 6600: poor on quality, though high on creativity.
Puberty completely changed the classroom scenario of the healthy gender dispute. While we guys went from “we hate girls” to “God please get her to talk to me once”, most of the girls I admired went from “I hate boys” to “I have a boyfriend” in almost no time. It then dawned on me that some of the guys used this time of change to play sports or learn guitar, where as I just gained one and a half foot in height while losing a few kilograms, meanwhile becoming the first person to transform into his own full body X-ray in the process. The seating arrangement changed into a proper co-educational scenario with mixed benches and I was left alone on the last seat still being the target of aluminium foil balls after lunch.
I spent the last 3-4 years of school trying to avoid the class bully’s armpit, getting braces to try and work my luck with this face, and trying to come up with jokes and be funny while maintaining an image that I didn’t care about female company because I was too much into studies, though the scenes at lunch break made me look more poor and pathetic than Suniel Shetty in, well, every Suniel Shetty movie ever. Like every bollywood fan, I hoped for a miracle that in future, I’ll finally grow into someone better looking and successful, and right now, as I look into the mirror while knowing that I still am a few years and possibly another degree or two away from job security, I can proudly say this.
“Shit! Ch****a kat gaya yaar.“