Of course I could have been an intellectual person, going on about the USA politics and their upcoming elections. Of course I could know about and then have a discussion about Syria and Iraq. Of course I could watch the presidential debates and then troll the living hell out of Trump supporters on twitter. But then, I am too busy to indulge in those things, because from the moment I turned 25, most of my time has been spent trying to prevent people getting to know that I voted for Kejriwal and avoid getting my marriage arranged to women named Hemlata or Champa. But then yes, I did follow the USA elections, because obviously India me koi problems thodi reh gaye hain, plus those debates are much more entertaining than Bigg Boss season 9.
In total, I have wasted spent 1hour 30 minutes multiplied by 3 in watching presidential debates on Hotstar (this blog has NOT received any sponsorship from them). After sleeping through the first one, I invited a few friends over and played a drinking game over the next two debates. We did shots every time Trump used the words ‘tremendous’, ‘beautiful’ or ‘disaster’, and every time one of us said ‘kya bake ja rahi hai budhiya’ over anything that Clinton said. Most of us were dancing shirtless and breaking furniture by the half hour mark, which symbolises alcohol intake ‘beyond civilisation’ level as per East Delhi standards.
If you haven’t been living under a rock, or been busy watching Arnab Goswami give you noise-induced hearing loss while practising Sunny Deol style of news reading, you would know about the two main presidential candidates. One of them is Donald Trump, who is an orange coloured, blonde-haired sexist islamophobic businessman, which is what you would get when you transplant Rahul Gandhi’s brain into the genetic cross-over (not necessarily a love child) of Amit Shah and the horniest monkey in the entire nation of Holland.
Trump’s campaign runs around the theme that he alone can make America great again, and that he can boast about touching women inappropriately and get away with it, but he won’t because his business is not that great right now and Vegas and Thailand are expensive destinations. He says that Clinton has blown the locker room comments out of proportion, and it will not affect the elections or the voters. I disagree. It will distance Alok Nath from his party, because only Rahul Mahajan can endorse such thoughts both when drunk and when not (sleeping, that is).
On the other hand is Hillary Clinton, whose claim to fame is that 8 years back, her own Democratic party opted for a rapstar Drake look-alike over her. She has been Secretary of state in the Obama govt, which is similar to ministry of home affairs in Indian politics, except the American counterparts might be doing a lot more than just ‘condemn terrorist activities in the most strict words’ like the Indian home ministry. She honestly accepts the Obama term problems, but offers ‘Dont elect Trump, wo to chutiya hai‘ as the only solution. Her overtly fake and conscious smile reminds me of aunties at a Punjabi dinner when the video camera focusses on them while they are eating.
I pray for Americans to make a good choice this November, if at all having to choose between a shady old woman and a senile chauvinistic douche can be called a healthy election. Also, I request all the Indians in America who don’t have voting rights yet to calm down, because no one cares. Especially to Trump, you all are just Mexicans with more body hair and funnier accents. Your consistent tweeting and putting your opinion on Facebook is as stupid as someone sitting in India and writing blog posts on the same topic. I think we all know such an idiot.