*In a Balaji Telefilms Hindi serial voice-over*
Ab tak aapne dekha… (Refer to Part-I of the series to know why and how I ended up doing first half of my SWOT analysis.) Kya Sharma ka SWOT analysis use sahi raah dikha paega? Ya uske sochte rehte hue kaddu jaisi body wala Najafgarh ka ladka BMW me bitha ke ladki le jaega? Jaanne ke liye padhte rahiye…
1. Dance: The DJ has put a good song. I used to be a part of my college dance team. So what if I used to arrange lights and costumes only? Without me, they would have been standing naked on a dimly-lit stage. I think I did learn some good moves back then, and being skinny as I am, if I shake myself vigorously, she might mistake it for some amazing Michael Jackson move. Good dancers are supposed to be good in bed. It’s time to prove that light-man and costume waale bhaiya are not far behind.
2. Romantic: I believe I am a romantic at heart. Of course I prefer an old school approach to romance, like bringing gajras and jalebis in the evening and bolting windows to unleash Ranjeet mode, but still, it counts. I will shower gifts on her, with flowers every day of the year that I receive my salary on, and brand new dresses bought with Diwali bonus. I will also make evening tea for her which, going by my tea making skills, will help her to quit tea habit altogether. Win-Win.
3. Living Alone: I live alone, so I do have a chance to take her back at my place without getting her to meet my parents and sparing her from having to answer a thousand questions ranging from her career to character to extended family background. A personal place to retire at night also gives advantages in terms of a bed, air conditioning, and more booze in the refrigerator in case she is not yet complying to my demands.
1. My only concern while dancing is to avoid letting my inner Govinda fan out. Trust me, if the DJ plays ‘pak chik pak Raja Babu’, my pelvic thrusts shall follow automatically, and it is never a pleasing sight. Other artists/songs that should not be played are Chittiyan Kalaaiyyan (so that she does not get confused about my orientation), Daler Mehndi (I start singing along with hernia-inducing tone and spirit) and any song with Sunny Leone in the video (the only move I do worse than a pelvic thrust is a chest thrust).
2. My romantic streak has been inspired from ShahRukh Khan, hence from DDLJ to Darr, my feelings may be at any extreme. I may be singing love songs for her or torturing her male friends in a dungeon, and then offer my support when they suddenly go missing. I’ll help her in finding them. I know where not to find them. *evil laughter*
3. Getting a woman to my room will come with challenges, both for her and me. She should be able to survive the mixed stench of beer, left-over food and my loneliness, and I will that I remembered to keep water in fridge and something edible at home to offer to her. She should not faint at the thickness of the layer of dust on floor, and I will try to keep my chainsaw, splatter-proof curtains and body-bags hidden from her till eventually needed.
Finally I was ready to go and charm her with my looks, wit and smell of Axe deodorant that I used liberally (approximately half a can) before stepping out of my place. The DJ played Justin Beiber’s Sorry, and she and her friend, with whom she was clicking a duck-faced selfie, exclaimed “OMG that’s our song!”
Almost dodged a bullet there. Another night of romance with my internet connection awaits me. Hopefully it won’t judge my performance after a few drinks.