Test-of-Sterone – III: Be Like Virat Kohli

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Virat Kohli has quickly become the male Indian idol, and I am not talking about the Sony channel’s reality TV series, because Virat deserves better things than Anu Malik’s Cancer-inducing poetry and winning a singing competition only to become a cross-dressing comedian later. He really has become the alpha male personality that we men look up to, as he is enjoying the three things every Indian male wants in life: National fame, dating an actress who is not Sonakshi Sinha, and using BC/MC in public without your parents wanting to disown you.

Here is a quick guide to how to ‘try’ and become like him. Now one could ask why I didn’t use it myself. The answer is that I do not try to become a dude anymore. Last time I tried, I ended up doing MBBS, and my college faculty and family knows that it was a bad choice. My attendance and wisdom was just marginally more than that of Rahul Gandhi’s in parliament. Anyways, follow the advise:

1. Nurture your talent.
When I say the above, I do not mean ‘play more cricket’. Anyone can play cricket in India, and you can never be as good as Kohli. You might be the local Mohalla Brett Lee, but even you know Anil Kumble could throw a delivery faster than you even with a plaster on one leg. Nor should you call ‘dancing’ a talent, unless it’s a particular cultural form, because firstly, you probably need alcohol to shun your inhibitions at this age, and secondly, jumping like an Orangutan to the tunes of Gangnam style is never a pretty sight, no matter how perfectly you do that step. So pick a hobby which is unique (so that there are less people in comparison to whom you suck) and easy (because life me kaun sa mushkil kaam kar paya hai aaj tak, bey?)

2. Learn some cuss words.
Since time immemorial, using abusive words has been a Y-chromosome thing, but that was before Dolly Bindra showed up on Bigg Boss. Now, a lot of women use the word ‘chutiya’, which may or may not have something to do with the way I behave with them. But it means that guys have to step-up their game. Remember, how Virat Kohli does it. Timing and creativity are very important. So remember to carry a diary to make notes the next time you get drunk. Don’t let that 6-drinks-down Punjabi creativity go waste. You can do it. C’mon BC!

3. Grow a beard.
Imagine a pre-pubertal Tiger Shroff or Justin Beiber at any age abusing you in your face. That would look cute and/or hilarious, rather than threatening. So, try and grow a beard so that when you abuse, it doesn’t seem that you don’t have a pair of functional you-know-what. Don’t keep rubbing your beard for effect though. It makes it look like you have excessive itching due to lice infestation.

4. Date an actress.
Well, with this point, I guess I took the joke too far didn’t I? Keep calm and play cricket. That’s all you can do, BC.

(This was the third and final part of the Test-of-Sterone series. Read the first and second posts of the series too.)

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About Ankit Sharma

Doctor and Drummer in making... Movie-buff since birth.
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