Life was smooth, and till only a few years back, I was a free soul, spreading love, friend requests and creepiness all over Orkut. Then facebook came and I evolved into a more mature guy who could beg, borrow and steal to get likes. Now, having crossed the mark of 25 years of age and fighting a battle with career security and baldness, I see myself stranded in this new age of Apps such as Tinder and Dubsmash. Such is the irony, that at my age and level of desperation, I find Tinder useless. Damn Windows phones for not having an app when you need it most.
Welcome to the world of Tinder, where you can make ‘friends’ and talk to them if the app confirms a mutual interest, i.e. if both of you swipe each other’s photo to the right side. It is the most successful match-making tool after ‘Baniya Community Rishtey hi Rishtey’ centres functioning all over Delhi. On Tinder, a guy has a long menu card of girls to show interest in, with a total of two ‘About Me’ introductions:
• Studied at Hogwarts’ Academy of witchcraft and wizardry
• Ye duniya Pittal di Baby Doll main Sone di LOL ROFL
Such honesty. Much originality. Wow.
The app is a brilliant innovation for guys who suck at pick-up lines. Now we don’t have to buy a woman a drink or let her jump the queue in front of us or like all her facebook pictures to show our interest in her. Based on your libido, swipe right either the Sunny leone song fan or Potterhead or for the lack of options, both, wait for your ‘best-photo-ever’ to be swiped right, and simply ask the girl out, only to be blocked because “Hey, want to sax?” as an introduction line is creepy even by Tinder standards. Swipe-Wait-Waste-Repeat.
As an app, Tinder is the right features of Yahoo Chat Rooms minus the hassle of asking age sex and location. It matches the opposite gender according to your location and age, hence saving you the embarrassment of watching a hairy naked man touch himself as soon as the webcam feed turns on. Also, there won’t be that friend to disturb you by saying things like “Abey tharki saara time online rehta hai!” while you are chatting with firstname.lastname@example.org. On the flipside, a few personally known-to members of opposite gender or worse, family, may be found in your options, in which case my advise will be to uninstall the app, break your phone, change your city and get back to risking watching an unknown man’s perverse acts on yahoo chat rooms.
Speaking of things that are a horror to watch, let’s talk about Dubsmash. This is an app which has pre-recorded dialogues and music audio and you can record yourself dubbing them and then share it, making it the only narcissistic thing worse than Narendra Modi’s selfies. Girls usually dub Kareena Kapoor’s scenes while the guys like to experiment with Kanti Shah and Govinda movies. The over-enthusiastic ones do Gangs of Wasseypur‘s abuse-filled dialogues, and get beaten up by parents at home after sharing it in the family group on WhatsApp. (Fictional sentence. No such thing happened to me. OK may be it happened once.) But why should I go to such stupid and ugly lengths to to gather attention? I will stick to writing blogs to achieve that.
Yes. These times are tough, especially for technologically backward people, or as the android owners call them, Windows phone owners. Things will get better with time. All I need is an android phone, a few right swipes and yes, a life.