The Indo-Drunkarian Tourist in Goa


I am on a vacation in Goa, which is my second trip to the place where you can relax with a drink and introspect (Greek for putting on sunglasses and ogling at women). Goa is a tourist attraction which boasts of beautiful beaches and pretty women in nice clothes or lack thereof, unless you are at Calangute, which is crowded, dirty and full of middle-aged men and women in maximum clothes possible, or in Delhi terms, Ghaziabad near the sea.

The beginning of a Goa trip is always the same pattern of:
Hey I see the beach!! WhooHoo!!
*removes T-shirt and runs towards the beach*
Damn it. Burning Hot sand.
*tip toes ahead while making ow ow ow noises*
Yeah. Cold sand.
*removes shorts, runs some more*
Hey Sea!! Here I come!
*Splash*
WHATTHEFUUUUU My eyes! Damn you stupid salty water!
*comes out of the water*
Fuck. Where are my clothes and bag?

But once you settle down, there is so much that an Indian can do here. Some of my favourite things that we do here are:

1. Get a temporary tattoo made in 20 minutes while torturing the artist for the entire duration with question “Bhaiya pakka do hafta chalega na?”

2. Buy printed shorts and a hat, and walk on the beach pretending you are Peter Andre, while listening to Yo Yo Honey Singh on your humongous bright red headphones.

3. Suck in your paunch and walk confidently towards a group of young girls, turn 180 degrees, pretend to signal someone, exhale because you can’t hold it in anymore, suck in the paunch again and turn back. Repeat.

4. Go to any shack party, raise your arms and dance gracefully like you saw people doing in the Tomorrowland video on YouTube, till you have had a little too much to drink, which is when ‘Govinda at Ganpati Visarjan’ mode will inevitably be switched on.

5. Get any bike, pretend it is Harley Davidson or Enfield, and risk an accident every single time a girl on a scooter goes riding by from the opposite side, because you can’t help but stare, because, you know, Dilli se hu Bhench**.

Whatever you do, please do not wear fake tattoo sleeves, because “OMG look at that brown guy with awesome tattoos so manly and hot” was said by NO ONE EVER.

Every tourist destination has its designated crowd, e.g. Kerala has families, Mumbai has young mixed groups of friends, Delhi and Haryana have no tourists at all, Kasaul has drug addicts, but Goa is a place where all categories can co-exist, but obviously the biggest crowd pullers are the international tourists, called ‘phoren wala log’ by the local Goans and ‘Mast Gori Ladkiya’ by the rest of India.

The booze is really cheap here, but the downside is having to buy bottled water everywhere, because I heard Nitin Gadkari was in Goa recently, so you will always have doubts over the purity of regular water here. When you combine cheap booze with lack of any taxes, it brings tears to your eyes which used to turn red every time you looked at the Bar menu at a Delhi restaurant. God Bless Goa!

To read what went wrong on my previous holiday to Udaipur, click here.

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About Ankit Sharma

Doctor and Drummer in making... Movie-buff since birth.
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