I wasn’t always this brash and loud(or as the Bengalis call it, Shaala Ponjobi). I remember that a long time back, I used to be one of those shy kids with a perpetual running nose who used to hate girls because, you know, they tell everything to the class teacher, including the fact that it was I who put the dead lizard in the teacher’s desk. But then puberty happened, I discovered my orientation and noticed that girls like funny guys. About 6 slaps, 10 rejections and 1 threat-call later, I came to a conclusion that Santa-Banta and Haathi-Cheenti jokes would never get someone a girlfriend in the 21st century. As you can see, my association with the word KLPD goes back a long way.
I confess that my humour was limited to those two categories of jokes. Moreover, my classmates found my face hilarious, to the extent that pointing at it and laughing became a hobby for everyone. Hence, there I was: Sixteen, Male, Boring and Ugly. I am sure Mukesh Ambani had the same profile, but that was before the release of the movie Guru.
One fine day, Emraan Hashmi entered Bollywood and made those educational movies rich in double meaning dialogues and making-out scenes. I realised the truth: Any joke with a reference to the crotch/groin or an adjoining area of human body, will make people think that you are funny. Yes, “Agar Tum Mil Jaao, Hilaana Chhod Denge Hum” was the first non-veg joke I heard in my life.
I found out some ways to add 18+ certificate to my jokes, but as expected, most of them didn’t work out as planned:
1. I started adding BC-MC to my punch lines, and got a little appreciation. But I failed to censor my speech at home once. That day I discovered that my mother is a Salman Khan fan because Woh maarti kam, aur ghaseet-ti zyada hain. Now I use such language only when I talk about Sajid Khan’s movies or Rahul Gandhi’s career.
2. I tried using socially censored words of human anatomy to create humour. I stopped immediately when I saw my personality going the Shakti Kapoor way, because I will not appreciate people calling me Nandu-sabka-Bandu.
3. Now, I use references to Haw-inducing words like Porn, GB Road and ‘Titanic wala scene‘ to create blogs. Hence, here I am: Twenty four, Male, more Boring but Less Ugly. The last feature is open to debate.
It am still trying to be innovative with non-veg humour. Of course, I have a lot to read and explore as a wannabe humorist, because I can’t just show obviously-stupid movie clips and expect people to find me funny. Who do you think I am? Kanan Gill?