Being Intern – VII: Jai Ho Rural Doctor

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The End is Near…. or IS IT?

(Disclaimer: The following nonsense is not about any human being living or dead. However, it contains the thoughts of a former human being, now known as an intern.)

Finally, a fresh MBBS graduate’s
nightmare is going to be realised very soon. Mandatory. One year. Rural service.
Or as the Congress calls it ‘ Akhil Bhartiya Rahul Gandhi MBBS ko MD karne se roko Yojna’.
As expected, there are a lot of
protests and heated debates going on.
It’s all over the TV too, be it Arnab Goswami whispering “WILL THE GOVERNMENT PROVIDE THE DOCTORS WITH FRESH GREEN LEAVES OR A STANDARD PAANIKA LOTA TO GO BEHIND THE BUSHES- IS THE QUESTION THE NATION IS ASKING RIGHT NOW”, or be it India TV’s special
section on ‘Gaon ka Daktar- Maseeha ya Nausikhiya?’

Just the thought of doctors being
against this move is being taken as an example of unethical practice. Well, I beg to differ. I believe that we have our own issues. Issues of salary, safety, services, and most importantly- the lack of free stationery by MRs in the villages.
Over the lack of services, I pondered a lot (Read- let my imagination go
absolutely wild after a session of
serious intoxication) and tried to
imagine how the OPD’s would run in villages-

Villager: “Saab, I have a swelling in my groin.”
Doc: “It’s a hernia. Needs to be
operated upon, in a city hospital.”
*
Villager: “Saab, I’ve had a fever for the last three days.”
The doctor takes a history narrows it down to about 683 differentials, none of which he is sure about, and then prescribes with full confidence- T. Paracetamol 500mg SOS.
Refer to Medicine OPD LNH for
further investigations and expert
management.
*
Villager: “Saab my wife is pregnant!”
Doc:– Refer to ANC OPD LNH for antenatal check-up.
If you were out of station in the past few weeks, refer to a good lawyer,
Tis Hazari court.
*
I firmly believe that it would take a lot of systematic planning to put an intern’s expertise to good use in the villages. Some of the talents of an average intern are as follows:
1. We can fill forms at lightning fast speed. We can cater to demands of ‘parcha banana'(filling forms) of an entire ANC OPD (aka the whole pregnant population of
Daryaganj) in just 5 hours.
2. We can lie, cheat and steal to get blood on cross-match.
3. No matter how many pricks it takes, we will ALWAYS get blood out of a patient’s vein/artery/whatever else it could come out of.
4. We can work with used gloves, re-used gloves and anything which looks like gloves.
5. Our skill with intra-caths… well, it varies on a day-to-day basis. But hey, form is temporary, class is permanent.
CLEARLY, there are many many
gaping holes in the government’s half-baked plan. But the government still tried to
justify it by saying that at least
during an emergency, a doctor will be there. For example- a woman in
labour. To this I respond-
What??! Delivery karaun? Main??
OMG ye to LOL ho gaya!!!

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About Ankit Sharma

Doctor and Drummer in making... Movie-buff since birth.
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