An attempt. Trying to decipher, honestly, what goes on inside a student’s mind during a viva. There is a battle between what one thinks(Mind:) and what one speaks(Mouth:).. to answer the examiner(Prof:). And what better subject than a final year subject to illustrate this.
Disclaimer: Completely a work of fiction. No offence meant to any frustrated soul… anywhere.
Prof: Are you ready with your case?
Mind: Farak kya padega? Maarni tune hai hi!
Mouth: Sir I need a few more minutes.
Prof: No. I don’t have that much time. Start now.
Mind: To saale puchha Kyu tha? Anyways… Suno fir.
Mouth: Sir I’m presenting the case of xyz…
Prof: Arey cut the story. Come to the diagnosis.
Mind: Easy man!! I could say “cut the viva, come to marks” too, but that’s just rude na! Ye saala 60 ke upar sab aise hi ho jaate hain?
Mouth: Sir it is a case of bilateral hydrocele… Most prob…
Prof: What makes you think so?
Mind: Bhen… Can I complete one fuckin’ sentence?
Mouth: Sir gradual swelling of the scrotum…
Prof: Did the patient tell you himself?
Mind: Ya. And the funny part is, he seemed really happy in the beginning. Thought himself to be a super-male or something.
Mouth: Yes Sir. And his wife verified the history.
Mind: Tharki couple. Eh, sir?
Prof: What other condition could cause such symptom?
Mind: Le… Ab lagegi.
Mouth: Ummm… Sir…
Prof: Seriously?? You don’t know the differentials??
Mind: Pata hain. Aur ye bhi Pata hai ki har answer pe 10 naye question aur har question pe alag tareeke se maaroge meri. So I’m thinking before speaking. And honestly old man!! You interrupting ain’t helping.
Mouth: Sir… ummm…
Prof: What were you doing this whole year!!!
Mind: Ok… Friends, girlfriend, movies, fests… and dude!! All that beer won’t drink itself!! Oh! Rhetorical ques tha na?
Mouth: Sir… Sorry sir.
Prof: The most basic case and you’re clueless!!!
Mind: Sabse basic? Bhenchod seriously? Kitaab me 12 page ka hai!!!
Prof: Do you know how many students fail each year?
Mind: And… ‘The dialogue’. That said it. Failed. Note to self: Need 3-4 beer pints to forget this.
Prof: And this is the level… We should not really allow you to practise. Just hold you back here in the college.
Mind: Make that 7-8 pints. And may be some rum. A lot of rum.
Mouth: Sorry sir.
Mind: Kya sorry-sorry Chutiye!! Be a man!! Ask him to ask another question na!
Mouth: Sir one more chance…
Prof: One more chance?!?! Does a dying patient get one more chance? Does a sick …….
Mind: Sorry. My bad. All hope is lost. Hmm… Movie Kaun si release hui hai aaj??
Mouth: No sir… Sorry sir.
Mind: Back to square one. Rone ki acting karu??
Prof: How many marks do you think out of 10 you deserve??
Mind: 9. No, too much. 6. Adequate par budhdha dega nahi. 3.5 maang leta hu. Assessment to puri hogi…
Mouth: Sir 3.5.
Mind: Hain??!! Bol daala??? Fuck.
Prof: 3.5?!?! 3.5 ?!?! That’s what you are here for?? To complete assessment?? It’s MBBS!!! Not some DU graduation college. I tell you what you deserve. 0… See… Right here… A big zero.
Mind: Royally… Fucked…