Almost a Court-Room trial of a Manchester City fan

As a member of the Manchester City Delhi Supporters Club, I contributed a post for an Indian football website, the12thman.in

It’s an attempt at satire and banter, and I’ll leave it to you people to judge how successful it is. Give it a read, it’s just a click away.

http://the12thman.in/almost-a-court-room-trial-of-a-manchester-city-fan/

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On Your Marks! Get Set! EGPG!!

Out of the approximately three lifetimes that it takes to become a real doctor in India, 2 years are spent after 10th standard making the worst decision of your life, and the next 5 and a half are spent regretting those two years. Eventually, you get the title of a ‘Doctor’ before your name, and are thrown into adult life to earn and look after yourself with a ‘best-of-luck’ message including the motivational words “just an MBBS degree isn’t enough, you must specialise in something”. Anurag Kashyap once (probably) said, “Aurat ka chakkar aur NEET PG ki preparation, pichhwaade se aansoo nikalwa deti hai“, and it was not before another frustrating MCQs-filled 18 months of life that I finally started MD, with the feeling that I had taken enough exams in life.

LOL.

Keeping in mind all the year-end, professional and entrance exams, I had taken exams every year since my nursery admission, so MD brought with it a welcome change of two long years without any exams bothering me. I did what any responsible Indian student would do in such circumstances. I got drunk. A lot. Just kidding, only every alternate day. The hit that my lifestyle and general decision-making sense took was evident by the fact that the money my garbage-guy made from the bottles that I put outside my flat was probably more than my expenditure of textbooks plus stationery. Hence, the whole ‘Indian Education System needs to change’ argument seems a little flawed to me. We are Indians. You need either to put a stick up our rear or emotional blackmail to get anything done by us.

Well, fast forward to 2 years ahead, and finally I have a stick up my rear called ‘MD professional exams’. I was given three years to study the curriculum of my subject, which I’m sure has at least 4 standard textbooks, one of which has 3200 pages with font size that can only be read if your eyeballs pop out the way they do for dresses worn by admirable ladies on a friday night at Hauz Khas village. Now, although less than 7 months are left for exams, I’m sure even if I had been given 13 years instead of 3, I would’ve been in a similar position right now. I’m an SRK fan after all and I firmly believe haar ke jeetne wale ko hi MD student kehte hain.

The last seven months will go by very quickly, and I need to get my priorities straight, hence here are the steps to my final plan for success:

1. Must study daily. At least try to study daily. At least think about studying daily. At least feel guilty about not studying daily. Ok at least every alternate day.

2. Practise my ‘poor villager with jobless father and unmarried sister’ face to perfection, also known as the ‘Sharma Viva Face’.

3. Take the question papers of the past 10 years. Pant nervously and sweat profusely for 20 minutes. Go to sleep. Repeat the cycle every weekend.

4. Avoid talking to female coPGs about the topics they have covered. Their usual response of “mera to bas <<insert the entire course plus topics that you didn’t even know existed>> hua hai, par kuchh yaad nahi rehta yaar” may pop a vein inside your head.

5. Limit further alcohol sessions only to birthdays, break-ups, anniversaries, break-up anniversaries, and special occasions like “kitna time ho gaya yaar!“.

So, as you can see, I’m set with all the false confidence in the world for the final lap. Heres wishing all the exam-going PGs the best. Remember, crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and desperation so that someone will donate their notes to you.

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Things that make your ears bleed: Dhinchak Pooja

India is a wonderful nation, where people of different castes, cultures, languages and variable IQ levels co-exist. In this glorious nation, we have many genres of music, both the original kind and the songs re-done by Anu Malik or Baadshah. Hence, I am not entirely surprised that in India, every kind of musical talent is given a chance to prove its worth, including the new YouTube sensation, the current queen of IndiPop and possibly the mother of dragons, Dhinchak Pooja.


I was always a part of the youth who wanted their parents to stop shoving education down their throats and let them pursue their dreams. Three Dhinchak Pooja songs later, I have effectively switched sides, and now I’m a part of ‘listen to your kid’s voice at least once before you even let him/her roam near the microphone‘ team. Her songs have meaningless, borderline-absurd lyrics, computer-generated beats playing on loop, and a progression that you may end up dancing to if you have taken enough amount of drugs. Actually, that is true for every EDM song ever.


In her quest to become an international sensation, Dhinchak Pooja is not leaving a stone unturned. Her songs, for whatever reason, are getting millions of views, she has her own cult following called the Dhinchuks(Arabic for ullu ke paththe), and her lyrics include, or are in entirety, the words Daaru, Selfie, Swag and Scooter. Going at this rate, we will soon have Sanam Puri covers of her songs. Imagine Selfie Maine le li aaj in his voice. Armageddon.


She is getting a lot of criticism for her lack of musical talent, stupid lyrics, and existence on earth in general, but I must admire her courage. She is giving the same number of fucks that a cow dropping a turd in the middle of the road gives to the cars honking at it, where dropping a turd is also an effective metaphor to describe the act of releasing her latest song Dilon ka Shooter. People say that she is doing what she loves, and she should not care about what others think of her. I agree, because India is a free country, and nothing can stop Rahul Gandhi from being a politician, Taco Bell from being a food restaurant, and Dhinchak Pooja from being a singer.


My hatred for her reminds me of my old part-time job as a Sonam Kapoor critic, where critic is a mild word because mummy kehti hai gaaliyan dena buri baat hai, while Sonam and Kapoor are two words that along with President Trump and Arvind Kejriwal, belong to my list of ‘Two words that are hilarious when put together’. Sonam Kapoor claims she is an actress, and after 13 movies, gave us the national award winning performance in Neerja. Let’s see how many songs it takes for Dhinchak Pooja to give us a Grammy-winner finally.


Call me an optimist or a feminist. It’s your choice.


Or may be she is India’s answer to Taher Shah. We are a competitive nation, after all. 

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