The Multi-Purpose Day Called Raksha-Bandhan


Raksha-Bandhan, aka Rakhi, aka the annual Cadbury’s new advertisement day, is one of the few festivals that have evolved over the years in India. It has evolved from a day to celebrate men interfering in their sisters’ lives for reasons other than ‘mummy ne bola hai’, to now when it is mostly #Bhai #BroLove #SoMuchRelations #NoYoureTheAdoptedOne. During old times, the festival was about a brother’s promise to protect his sister, now it is also about the promise of support when she will introduce her boyfriend at home, or an iPhone. The only other Indian festival that has evolved so much is Holi, but we will talk about Delhi’s water problems some other time.

Rakhi, as I remember it, used to be a terrorizing time back in school. The teacher used to order boys to bring gifts and girls to bring rakhis. If, by any chance, your crush’s thread found it’s way around your wrist, the rest of the class would make sure that you would never forget that moment, the moment where your crush had that “Finally this buck-teeth idiot is off my back” smile. The nerd of the class used to have rakhis till his shoulders and the dude of the class used to hang out with the nerd’s rakhi sisters during recess time. To the young girls reading this, today that nerd is Sundar Pichai and the dude is Ashmit Patel or Dino Morea. So you need to choose wisely.

During college, girls finally understood that a Rakhi destroys a guy’s confidence in a way worse than getting a proposal rejected in front of the entire friends’ group. Plus the gifts, if any, from the guys’ limited pocket money would have been disappointing. So, even they let the festival pass without any significant activity.

It will be wrong to say that a Rakhi has served only as a symbol of sibling love. Some of its other underrated perks are:
The official earned leave for husbands: As per my observations in the family, very few things beat the happiness experienced on the trip back home after dropping one’s wife to her parents’ place. The music in car is loud, and even when stuck in a traffic-jam, one can’t help but give a freedom-rich smile to a husband in the next car.
Visit to Nani’s house for small children, followed by uncountable number of glasses of chilled soft drinks culminating in a pharyngitis episode which, as the kids in my family tell me, was totally worth it.
Cousins’ get-together, the fun at which may range from playing Antakshari to playing truth-n-dare, depending on whether you live in Najafgarh or Greater Kailash, or just sitting together and playing Candy Crush on your respective phones.(Ghisa-Pita Satire. I am sorry.)

I have one bad memory of Rakhi in which the love of my life murdered my feelings for her by tying a Rakhi on my wrist. I hate my kindergarten years for that memory. That is one reason I wish I was in a catholic school. But I didn’t turn out to be a Sundar Pichai, so somewhere she is definitely smiling right now.

 

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From Radhe Maa to Sundar Pichai: India Shining!


The past week was a good week to be an Indian, because NRIs and Godmen, the only two categories of humans we Indians can’t seem to find a fault with, were trending on twitter. For those who couldn’t follow the news at all due to lack of time and interest (drug abusers and/or doctors), an NRI nerd called Sundar Pichai became the CEO of Google, and another nerd called Radhe Maa, who probably lost her mental balance during her 10th standard board exams, became Rakhi Sawant of the Godmen community.

Radhe Maa, as Wikipedia tells us(Yes, she has a Wikipedia page. So does Asaram. Now laugh at your worthless life and kill yourself),
had a normal childhood and education till 10th standard after which she developed unreal expectations like becoming a movie actress regardless of her punjabi accent and may be getting married without having to pay dowry. When her bubble burst, she took to spirituality right around the time Student Of The Year song Radha came around, and just like every woman going through midlife crisis, she took the song too seriously. People have alleged that she is not a noble godman, because obviously, there is nothing called as ‘noble godman’.

She has allegations of dowry demand, physical assault and indecent exposure against her. The first two can be attributed to her Punjabi roots, which I am sure overpower her ‘Godliness’ right around the third drink, but she did have a good explanation for wearing small clothes while giving pravachan in Mumbai: “The Mall’s AC wasn’t working!” She is being called a fraud because she dances on Bollywood tunes and she is not meant to do that. Good job India! Similar complaints against Sonakshi Sinha. Make me proud.

In other news, a former IIT student Sundar Pichai became the CEO of google, completing another IITian’s revenge against people who went to cool colleges. He is most probably the first virgin IITian to hold such a high post. Of course now his college-time friends are afraid he will get to know their entire search history, including Radhe Maa hot pics. I am very proud of Sundar, but sad about getting some more look-at-him-and-look-at-yourself looks from parents. I hope he will do great at his new job, and not quit it to write novels about how he got laid once in IIT and then again in IIM.

A few Indians are critical of him because he is an NRI and even supports a USA football club, so he is not at all Indian, because Indians only support Manchester United. Here’s to hoping that he will put up an ‘I’m feeling horny’ button with google search that will yield the search results which actually matter for the Indian youth, because allegedly, Sundar’s interest in Google started around puberty when he mistook the double O’s in the Google for some part of female anatomy. And look where he is now.

Sundar’s story shall become a motivation for young Indians, because if you work hard enough and NOT opt for medical stream in 11th, this is how far you can go. However, if you opt for medical, you will get to write jealous blog-posts about Sundar, which is not that exciting.

Happy Independence Day.

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‘Rise’ Against Ban On Porn


In the latest assault by the government to the rights of Indian public, the telecom ministry has taken away our favourite one of the three basic needs of a human being (Roti, Kapda and Porn), hence leaving us with no choice but to go for movies like Leela and Kuch Kuch Locha Hai to watch Sunny Leone. The government, even after realising how tough it would be for Karnataka’s MLAs to pass time in the assembly now, has decided to ban 857 websites in the list which is the entire text of the upcoming Chetan Bhagat novel What Young India Really Wants.

The reason that they have given is that watching porn leads to rape, which could be true, because most porn videos that they have seen feature men eating aphrodisiac chowmein and women doing erotic and condemnable acts such as talking on phone and wearing jeans. I wish they could have seen some normal run-of-the-mill porn which has helped so many medical and IIT students get some sleep before an exam. The other reason that they have given is that porn is fake and exaggerated and leads to domestic violence because of high expectations. Most of the Indian youth is ‘done’ by the time the foreplay comes to an end, so we have no idea what they are talking about. First of all, it is called BDSM, you illiterates, and secondly, whatever happens between a man and his right hand is no one else’s business.

Of course it won’t be long till people find their way out of this. They have banned a total of 857 sites, but we still have torrents, the greatest tool for sharing porn since the invention of Bluetooth and Nokia 6600. Rahul Gandhi will again take a vacation to south-east asia to, you know, introspect. Yahoo chat rooms may get crowded again. Watching ‘Tu chiz badi hai mast mast’ video may again become the closest thing to losing one’s virginity.

I wish we could do some sort of Gandhian protest against this to force the govt to go back on this, like making ‘LK Advani hot pics’ the most searched phrase on google, or whistling and passing lewd comments at Nitin Gadkari’s legs whenever he walks out in those Khakee shorts. This could be really harsh on ourselves.

Hey BJP!! I am a twenty-five year old unmarried guy and I stand against ban on porn. It is my favourite way of wasting my productive time in life.

 

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