Out of the approximately three lifetimes that it takes to become a real doctor in India, 2 years are spent after 10th standard making the worst decision of your life, and the next 5 and a half are spent regretting those two years. Eventually, you get the title of a ‘Doctor’ before your name, and are thrown into adult life to earn and look after yourself with a ‘best-of-luck’ message including the motivational words “just an MBBS degree isn’t enough, you must specialise in something”. Anurag Kashyap once (probably) said, “Aurat ka chakkar aur NEET PG ki preparation, pichhwaade se aansoo nikalwa deti hai“, and it was not before another frustrating MCQs-filled 18 months of life that I finally started MD, with the feeling that I had taken enough exams in life.
Keeping in mind all the year-end, professional and entrance exams, I had taken exams every year since my nursery admission, so MD brought with it a welcome change of two long years without any exams bothering me. I did what any responsible Indian student would do in such circumstances. I got drunk. A lot. Just kidding, only every alternate day. The hit that my lifestyle and general decision-making sense took was evident by the fact that the money my garbage-guy made from the bottles that I put outside my flat was probably more than my expenditure of textbooks plus stationery. Hence, the whole ‘Indian Education System needs to change’ argument seems a little flawed to me. We are Indians. You need either to put a stick up our rear or emotional blackmail to get anything done by us.
Well, fast forward to 2 years ahead, and finally I have a stick up my rear called ‘MD professional exams’. I was given three years to study the curriculum of my subject, which I’m sure has at least 4 standard textbooks, one of which has 3200 pages with font size that can only be read if your eyeballs pop out the way they do for dresses worn by admirable ladies on a friday night at Hauz Khas village. Now, although less than 7 months are left for exams, I’m sure even if I had been given 13 years instead of 3, I would’ve been in a similar position right now. I’m an SRK fan after all and I firmly believe haar ke jeetne wale ko hi MD student kehte hain.
The last seven months will go by very quickly, and I need to get my priorities straight, hence here are the steps to my final plan for success:
1. Must study daily. At least try to study daily. At least think about studying daily. At least feel guilty about not studying daily. Ok at least every alternate day.
2. Practise my ‘poor villager with jobless father and unmarried sister’ face to perfection, also known as the ‘Sharma Viva Face’.
3. Take the question papers of the past 10 years. Pant nervously and sweat profusely for 20 minutes. Go to sleep. Repeat the cycle every weekend.
4. Avoid talking to female coPGs about the topics they have covered. Their usual response of “mera to bas <<insert the entire course plus topics that you didn’t even know existed>> hua hai, par kuchh yaad nahi rehta yaar” may pop a vein inside your head.
5. Limit further alcohol sessions only to birthdays, break-ups, anniversaries, break-up anniversaries, and special occasions like “kitna time ho gaya yaar!“.
So, as you can see, I’m set with all the false confidence in the world for the final lap. Heres wishing all the exam-going PGs the best. Remember, crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and desperation so that someone will donate their notes to you.