Chris Martin Visited And Didn’t Tell Me, So Not Talking To Him Anymore

 

It is not everyday that an international celebrity comes to India, except if invited by the Prime minister for Republic Day or to get naughty with Shilpa Shetty. So, you can anticipate the excitement of the people when the frontman of the band Coldplay, Chris Martin, came to India! Except the fact that no one knew about this visit, hence making the news the most obvious example for a female KLPD ever.

The fact that he did not announce a concert or a tour beforehand makes me think that he came here to visit Taj Mahal or to do cheap drugs or visit red light areas of Goa or for whatever else the foreigners come to India for. I have the feeling he wanted to take a break from music and just chill. So here he was, chilling at a bar in Hauz Khas because he can afford beer there without the happy hours too. As reported, he sang 3 songs mostly because people wanted him to, hence giving us an international celebrity version of our own childhood’s “Beta chalo Uncle ko poem sunao” when we just didn’t want to.

The news spread the next day and it elicited different kinds of emotions from different people, depending on their gender and whether or not someone had killed their love for the song ‘Paradise’ by singing it on a Karaoke night:

Emotion 1: I hate you Chris!
A few among us, not realising that Chris Martin has better things to do than to read their status updates because he is not friends with them on facebook, went all Katti with him for not telling them that he was in town, so that they could have paid him ₹4000 to see his concert cancelled because of lack of security arrangements instead.

Emotion 2: Oh No! How could I miss it?

Until now, the above emotion was reserved for Haley’s comet and Poonam Pandey’s instagram updates. But it makes sense because the people who were there got a performance for free, and hence it was also about missing a free concert. It would have been fun if Chris Martin would have performed at a Paharganj bar though. Someone might have gotten up and said “Kya bore kar raha hai… Aashiqui 2 ke suna na bhen****!”

3. Emotion 3: Kaahe ka superstar? Hauz Khas me dhakke kha raha hai!

Probably the words of a few drunk people who were discussing this in Paharganj the next day.

 

Yes, I like his music. The above rant is just my way of venting it out for having missed his concert, because if it is free, the baniya inside me will even tolerate Anu Malik’s concert. Wait. I went too far didn’t I?

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The Cons And Cons Of Turning 25


For an average Delhiite, celebrating 25th birthday can give a sense of insecurity inversely proportional to the number of Litres of Olay anti-ageing cream that he or she bathes in every morning. However, for a few guys, it can be a pleasant day as now revenge can be planned against the two bars which refused to serve them alcohol 5 years ago. Revenge, just like Budweiser, is best served chilled, so now they can go back and show their driving license and ask for some, only to be told “Sir, your license has expired”. Anyways, screw Delhi Transport Corp.

25th birthday was quite a confusing day, because frankly, I felt too old to have a drink-till-I-puke party, and too broke young to have a fine dining experience at some good place. So as always, I turned to a very wise and experience person called Google for ideas on how to celebrate the day. Here are a few popular ideas that it gave me:

• Theme party
I once was went to a football-theme party, where the official wardrobe provider was the Palika shop who gave us all the eighth-copy of the first-copy of the original jerseys. To my surprise, and to everyone else’s horror, I already had a yellow tee, so I decided to go as a referee to save money. I thought about having a cricket-theme party this time, where I could buy a sixth-copy of the Indian Jersey, and hurl abuses at everyone in the party so that people could guess that I was Virat Kohli. Then Bangladesh taught us a lesson, and I dropped the idea.

• Short and quick trip
It was one idea that actually worked. There were two ‘short and quick’ trips made that day. I made one to the local theka and the domino’s guy made the other from the restaurant to my place.

• Something wild
I wish I was making this up, but their idea was to take a sex-selfie and post it on social media to show everyone my wild side. Pardon me for being naïve, but how is posing with my laptop and tissue papers going to get me likes or show my wild side is beyond me. I wish they had made a suggestion to do something wild in terms of not using facebook, or doing three pull-ups.

• Buy yourself a gift
However lonely you are, DO NOT EVER buy yourself a gift. I am staying away from home now, so I bought myself a plant to talk to when I am feeling alone. Not only is a plant extremely unresponsive(or a good listener, depends upon your gender), most of our conversations end with me saying “What do you know, you’re just a plant!” or “Stop judging me, you green freak!” May be I am losing my mind, but hey, at least I didn’t buy a cactus and pick up a fight with it.

Getting older makes you less athletic and more desperate, other than making you the proud owner of the wisdom teeth that refuse to grow straight. Also, you need to get hold of your finances and life, because you are now old enough to drink and hence at an ever-present risk of destroying both of them. You will only turn 25 once, so my advise is to do something wild, like putting on an Indian cricket team jersey, going out, taking a deep breath, coughing violently because, you know, pollution, and hence abuse loudly so that everyone knows who you are dressed as.

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The Not-So-Serious Guide To Renting An Apartment

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Delhi is such a city where the rent for a place you want to live in depends upon the area, proximity to metro, ease of inviting guests of opposite gender and your gullibility as a tenant. You may get your dream fully-furnished spacious flat where your friends can come over without the senile aunty downstairs giving you judgmental ‘hope-you-die-of-Herpes’ looks, or you may get stuck at a place where you may have to sleep with a foot on the stove and the other in the commode. I recently shifted into a new place and hence I shall share my experience to get a few likes try and help you people.

1. Location
Make sure that your flat is on the top-most floor of the building and as far as away from the local Paan-wallah shop, so that arthritis and nicotine-addiction can prevent aunty and uncle landlord respectively from making any surprise visits. To be doubly sure, get a huge dog, or a chainsaw. Take a walk around your place on the first day and note the distance from important places of utility and emergency like your work place, nearby market, closest female PG accommodation and the local booze shop.

2. Number of rooms
One BHK has given me a bedroom to put my bed in, a hall to put my extra chairs and broken table in, and a kitchen which is pretty much useless to me because Maggi just got banned. Now put an AC in your bedroom, a fridge in your kitchen, and lame ‘my rules’ or ‘beer rocks’ or football posters in your hall, and that should be enough to make you accept the fact that #ForeverAlone is the bitter truth of life.

3. Toilet
The T usually gets ignored in all the B-H-K discussions, though the importance of a toilet is directly proportional to the distance from the public toilets called the nearest railway line. The most important thing is whether there is good 3G network reception in the toilet. One must know if it is Western or Indian style, because that would determine whether you’ll read newspaper or the could-have-been award winning blog NotInTandem on the seat, or will have to endure numbness and tingling sensation in your feet as a sign of lack of blood supply due to excessive squatting.

4. Food options
I have classified the delivery outlets and tiffin services around my new place into following categories:

To order in the first 5 days after the salary (all good non-veg outlets)
To order whenever family has come (all average vegetarian outlets)
Cheap To-go-with-booze snacks (the Chinese van next to the Sulabh complex)
To order in the last 5 days of the month (the local watery dal-serving dabbah service)
Koi Dushman ko bhi ye na khilaaye (to be ordered only when the landlord shows up)

Always ask for extra plates and spoons because, admit it, you can’t use Pril and Scotch Brite properly to save your life.

Please tell me if I have missed anything in the above list. Also, wish me luck because I am new at this and though Shahdara is every bit as awesome as I said in the previous post, I still haven’t been able to find a restaurant I will order from when my landlord shows up.

*Evil Laugh*

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