Cheers! Still Out Of Budget!

 

Our finance minister Mr. Arun Jaitley has provided the budget sheet for the financial year 2015-16, and like always, the budget has got mixed response from the audience. To the common man, the budget is mostly like Poonam Pandey: A lot of promise but no delivery, though the corporate sector has called the budget ‘highly seductive’, hence some Adanis and Ambanis were found molesting themselves while watching DD Loksabha on Saturday.

Rahul Gandhi did not attend the session, and it is important news because we all know what a financial genius he is, and how his IQ has set a record among vegetables. Still, the Congress party maintains that he would be following the budget closely even on his vacation, most probably introspecting: “Man! Jaitley’s bald head seems so bright! *looks at his joint* This shit is good!”

This budget session was highly anticipated because it was preceded by very auspicious and nation-shaping events such as release of Roy, almost-extinction of Kejriwal’s cough and yet another Narendra Modi speech, which included new path-breaking phrases such as “Congress sucks” and elements of mass appeal such as “Mitron” and “Bhaiyo aur Beheno”.
This year, a portion has also been allocated to promote education in special weaker sections of the population and hence, many new colleges like IIN Parliament and IIN 10 Janpath will soon be opened.

The budget has special focus on young India, so students will be provided with monetary loans to study and talented students would be helped to get entries into reality shows like Li’l champs so that they get to hear motivational lines such as “Don’t worry beta!! So what if you have been voted out and scarred for life. You already suck at studies, so wait till the puberty hormones screw up your voice and *Bane voice* then you have my permission to cry.”

Budget, as I have been told by my parents, is very important and now I agree. So for the past four years I have read the newspaper of the next morning very thoroughly so that I am well aware of the expected prices whenever I visit a Theka next. Just kidding. I also look at the entertainment tax section because MSG 2 or Ragini MMS 3 might release this year. I confess that the rest of tax-scheme make very less sense to me, but I am sure I am still better than Rahul Gandhi. At least I know the full form of VAT.

At last, here are a few reactions(may be) by prominent people to the budget:
P.Chidambaram: Haha! Now he will also get his name urinated upon on the walls of railway stations.
Digvijay Singh: *something which didn’t make much sense*
Arvind Kejriwal: Price of Benadryl increased? Aam Aadmi Party iski jaanch karwaegi.
Mukesh Ambani: Majaa aawi gayo!!

But most importantly:
Rahul Gandhi: *puff* Yeaaahhh!

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Error 404: Decoding Rahul Gandhi

 

In every Yuga, there will the birth of a human being who will eradicate injustice and claim the world as his own. Or as Anurag Kashyap says, “Sabka badla lega re tera Faizal”. But on the other “tumse na ho paayega” end of the spectrum, is a person who on his own day (which is every moment with Arnab Goswami) can put any comedian to shame. Yes, the man who goes to Bangkok to ‘introspect’ after a loss, Mr. Rahul Gandhi.

He has said a lot of things in his life. Some funny, some hilarious, while the rest are just baawda-ho-gaya-hai-ke crazy. I, a mere fan, have tried to decipher exactly what thoughts went behind those emotionally charged and socially retarded statements. Disclaimer: All quotes have been taken from wikiquotes. Yes, I too found out about it just today.

Quote: If one belongs to a backward caste and wants to attain success then one needs an escape velocity to attain that success.
What he was thinking while saying it: H.C. Verma bhe%₹@&?/€¥@

Quote: A rising tide raises all boats, but you need a boat to rise with the tide. What does he who does not have a boat do?
What he was thinking while saying it: Party workers should listen to Naav from Udaan! Very nice song about boats.

Quote: Politics is everywhere. It’s in your shirt, it’s in your pants. It’s everywhere.
What he actually meant: Kyuki meri shirt bhi sexy, meri pant bhi sexy, Mai to neta hi sexy huu.

Quote: I went to University in 1991, and I remember, nobody thought of India. I remember conversations where people would laugh and say, “Do you have elephants on the road?”
What he actually meant: HAHAHAHA What’s a university? But Damn! Even P. Chidambaram is more famous than me. But when did they see him on the road?

Quote: India is the Saudi Arabia of human resources for the 21st century.
What he almost also said: Of course I have been to the palm islands. Chennai by train, then cruise till Port Blair.

Quote: IIT professor has no idea about what his value is. He has got no idea about what he is worth. Because he is not connected to the market.
What he actually meant: Chu! Everyone knows that you do MBA after B.Tech.

Quote: When I was training to be a pilot, there was a large section in the book on how to drop mail from the plane.
The complete story: Such a large and boring section. That’s why I dropped out of school. Wait. That was college? Yeah whatever.

Quote: We need to empower everybody, not one person, not almost everybody, but everybody.
Subliminal message: Rahul Gandhi doesn’t know who women are. But he will find them, and he will empower them.

Quote: If India is computer, Congress is its default program.
Absolutely unrelated to: Your desktop is not using a genuine version of Windows.

Quote: Poverty is a state of mind.
What he said a few days later: Congress ek soch hai, aur ye soch hamare dil me hai!

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No Party 24×7 For Delhi, Because Aunty Police Bula Legi.

 

Mumbai Police has granted permission to its bars and restaurants to stay open through the night, which is the biggest boost to the Indian Party scene since the invention of Desi Tharra ka Pauwa. Yet, Delhi Police continues to ensure closure of bars by 1AM citing reasons like law and safety and beauty-sleep of their hawaldars. Delhi Police has termed this idea as a ‘Recipe for disaster’ as they believe that women safety in Delhi will be compromised because of this. However, even while using WiFi at peak speed in CP, the phrase ‘women safety in Delhi’ did not yield any results on google search. Worst. Satire. Ever.

Anyways. I would love to party for an extended time after midnight in Delhi, given that the bar provides me with affordable combos of beer and masala papad even after midnight, and hence here are a few ideas that might help improve security in Delhi:

1. Every girl must be accompanied by a potato-shaped Gurgaon gym addict to get entry into a bar. Special subsidy to be provided for protein supplements by Kejriwal government. The warrantee on security remains limited to Delhi only, because of the “You can take a Jaat out of Gurgaon, but you cannot take Gurgaon out of a Jaat” effect.

2. About 15 lakh CCTV cameras to be installed inside and outside the bars of Delhi. Might not be the best idea, because of all the make-out videos of young couples at shady Rajouri pubs we might have to delete daily, but it is still a great promise. *Waits to get elected as CM*

3. Women only cab services to be run even in the night, but with fully clad female drivers who will not pick up any ride from any Chinese restaurant because, you know, wahaa chowmein milti hai. Also, the windows of those cabs to be reinforced using PM’s chest sweat.

The refusal by Delhi Police has many reasons, most important being that they are upset about not getting an annual performance by SRK and Johnny Lever like their Mumbai counterparts, and the fact that most of their time and energy is spent in playing WWE with AAP workers at Jantar Mantar. I would love to talk to the Delhi Police and make them realise the benefits of late night parties, like postponing domestic violence at Rahul Mahajan’s house by minimum 3-4 hours.

Well, my hopes for late night parties have been rejuvenated by the fact that a strict policewoman like Kiran Bedi has lost the elections. In the hindsight, it wouldn’t have mattered much because “Agar aunty police bula legi, to yaar tera kar lega handle”.

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