Anaesthesiologist-Patient Interaction: Myth Buster

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After completing MBBS, a doctor has to make an important decision in life: whether to kill oneself because ‘kya ukhaad liya doctor ban ke’ or to give another entrance exam and get further sucked into the quicksand of early hairloss and frustration that is the medical world. The success in that exam, as per coaching institutes, is a rank worthy of a Facebook interview video, where you confess your secret not-so-platonic feelings for the institute’s director. The next step is to choose a subject to specialise in, and it depends upon the following things:

1. Career goals, intensity of work and personal interest (what guys say while justifying their choice)

2. To marry a beautiful and/or rich gynaecologist (what guys actually mean when they say, well, anything)

3. To live a noble life serving patients and making this world a better place (usually heard before the reply “abe chutiye, chad gayi hai tujhe! Bottle neeche rakh”)

Usually a few branches (just kidding, only anaesthesia) face a grave allegation of not having any interaction with the patients, and I would like to give different arguments against this, using my Microsoft Word-edited English and my birth-hypoxia affected brain. Take your own pick out of the following:

☆ No! That’s not true at all.

Anaesthesiologists interact with patients all the time. Of course, we don’t care about mythological things such as consciousness of the patient or his ability to reply during that interaction, but that’s just being demanding isn’t it? Before knocking patients out, we make them comfortable by asking about their families, their jobs, their plans to sue the surgeon after the surgery and what not. Usually I try to avoid being a dick, but sometimes, just for fun, I tell a patient to “go to sleep, we will wake you up after the surgery is successful…”, and then murmur “… and we have removed a kidney too” loud enough to make it the last thing he hears before losing senses. So, a few of you should agree that limited interaction is better.

☆We do not care about the interaction.

A lot of times it has happened that after a surgery, the patient is surrounded by the medical team  and the patient wakes up to show gratitude to his surgeons in the most polite way, while the anaesthetist gets a side serving of the ‘Tu kaun hai bey?’ look. Anyways, just that look is still more interaction than what an anatomist gets with his cadavers or the physiologist gets with his frogs, although either of the above make for a better love story than Batman vs Superman. And Twilight. As long as there is food on the plate and beer in the fridge, we don’t want to listen to patients describing their gas and bowel problems using innovative adjectives, without a shred of shame or awkwardness.

☆Creepy last-ditch argument:

I like my patients just the way I like my women: On the bed, and unconscious.

*Evil Laughter*

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Things That Burn Your Eyes: Taher Shah

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Karma is a bitch. In your small life in this unjust world, you will do bad, knowingly or otherwise, to a few people. God has funny ways to punish you, hence from time to time, he will send one of his goons to torture us all. Well, that is the only explanation I could think of while justifying Taher Shah’s existence on this earth. Of course I am talking about ‘The’ Taher Shah, the Pakistani singer lyrics-speaker who has mastered the art of giving ear infections through music, and is now spreading otitis media and probably Alzheimer’s via YouTube. This post is going to be full of hatred directed at his videos, but he is a Pakistani national, hence I can expect a Padma award nomination from the BJP government for my contribution to nationalism (or as Kohli calls it, Pakistan ki maa-behen karna).

Mid-life crisis actually exists, we all know about it, and most of us have seen someone go through it. But a guy in mid-40s wearing a purple gown, a tiara and carrying a wand singing “I’m an angel, Mankind’s angel”? That’s a rare case study right there, my psychiatry friends! Worse, he drags his wife and kid into the video, hence destroying his wife’s kitty party career and his son’s Throwback Thursday posts on Facebook forever. Imagine the comments when the kid posts this video some 10 years later.

Random girl: OMG you look so cute in this!
Kid: thanx so much babes
Random girl: you never told me you had a creepy babysitter.
Kid: That’s my dad
Random girl: *throws her laptop into fire*

I believe music has a purpose. The lyrics “mankind’s angel” make me want to believe that he wrote this to achieve world peace. Although in all probablity this is some new acoustic form of terrorism or a result of excessive amount of free time combined with overdose of narcotic drugs. Or may be he is a cult figure created by Pakistan just to prove itself equal to India:

India: we have nuclear weapons
Pakistan: we have nuclear weapons
India: we have Virat Kohli
Pakistan: we have Coke studio
India: We have Kamaal Rashid Khan
Pakistan: “Let there be Taher Shah”

He also has another song to his credit, called ‘eye to eye’, in which he used almost every adjective for beautiful, like sensational, blissful, glorious (including the word ‘spectrum’, most probably to show his hatred for engineering colleges) to praise, wait for it, HIS OWN EYES, while the video shows close-ups of his ‘unimpressive, threatening and probably harboring conjunctivitis’ eyes. This song was dubsmashed by Ranveer Singh, which may or may not have been the effect of being Sonakshi Sinha’s friend in the past.

The videos (directed by Pakistan’s version of Kanti Shah: Taher Shah) are soon to be put to good use by the government, such as treatment of porn addiction and getting criminals to confess their crimes. Taher Shah might keep producing such *censored language* music, stay on as a social media phenomenon, and keep uprooting ‘art’ out of the word artist, after all, he is an angel, mankind’s angel.
*waits for God’s wrath for saying that*

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Test-of-Sterone – III: Be Like Virat Kohli

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Virat Kohli has quickly become the male Indian idol, and I am not talking about the Sony channel’s reality TV series, because Virat deserves better things than Anu Malik’s Cancer-inducing poetry and winning a singing competition only to become a cross-dressing comedian later. He really has become the alpha male personality that we men look up to, as he is enjoying the three things every Indian male wants in life: National fame, dating an actress who is not Sonakshi Sinha, and using BC/MC in public without your parents wanting to disown you.

Here is a quick guide to how to ‘try’ and become like him. Now one could ask why I didn’t use it myself. The answer is that I do not try to become a dude anymore. Last time I tried, I ended up doing MBBS, and my college faculty and family knows that it was a bad choice. My attendance and wisdom was just marginally more than that of Rahul Gandhi’s in parliament. Anyways, follow the advise:

1. Nurture your talent.
When I say the above, I do not mean ‘play more cricket’. Anyone can play cricket in India, and you can never be as good as Kohli. You might be the local Mohalla Brett Lee, but even you know Anil Kumble could throw a delivery faster than you even with a plaster on one leg. Nor should you call ‘dancing’ a talent, unless it’s a particular cultural form, because firstly, you probably need alcohol to shun your inhibitions at this age, and secondly, jumping like an Orangutan to the tunes of Gangnam style is never a pretty sight, no matter how perfectly you do that step. So pick a hobby which is unique (so that there are less people in comparison to whom you suck) and easy (because life me kaun sa mushkil kaam kar paya hai aaj tak, bey?)

2. Learn some cuss words.
Since time immemorial, using abusive words has been a Y-chromosome thing, but that was before Dolly Bindra showed up on Bigg Boss. Now, a lot of women use the word ‘chutiya’, which may or may not have something to do with the way I behave with them. But it means that guys have to step-up their game. Remember, how Virat Kohli does it. Timing and creativity are very important. So remember to carry a diary to make notes the next time you get drunk. Don’t let that 6-drinks-down Punjabi creativity go waste. You can do it. C’mon BC!

3. Grow a beard.
Imagine a pre-pubertal Tiger Shroff or Justin Beiber at any age abusing you in your face. That would look cute and/or hilarious, rather than threatening. So, try and grow a beard so that when you abuse, it doesn’t seem that you don’t have a pair of functional you-know-what. Don’t keep rubbing your beard for effect though. It makes it look like you have excessive itching due to lice infestation.

4. Date an actress.
Well, with this point, I guess I took the joke too far didn’t I? Keep calm and play cricket. That’s all you can do, BC.

(This was the third and final part of the Test-of-Sterone series. Read the first and second posts of the series too.)

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