The average A-Day-Before-Exam

To be honest, I’m not very pleased about the fact that I’m almost 28 years old and still taking my exams, while some of the people from my school are getting their kids admitted in kindergarten. The fact that they have spent the last 2-3 years changing soiled diapers made me feel better momentarily, till the realisation kicked in that I’m a doctor and I’ve had contact with far worse things than a greenish-yellow Poko pant. Anyway, talking about shit se yaad aaya, I just finished theory exams for my MD degree.

I have never been a bad student in my life. Well, based on what I realised from my preparation for these exams, I have never been THIS bad a student in my life. I have prepared for a lot of exams in my life, and it does not seem to be stopping anytime soon, so at times I just sit back and try to figure out if, as life is going on, the exams just keep getting tougher or I just keep getting more and more stupid. Yet, the blog post is not about that. It is about how difficult it is to pass time before the exam, yet how little time there is to prepare well for the exam. As Michael Scott once said, “Somehow, I manage”. Ok. Let me tell you how.

7AM. Alarm rings. Snooze, because that’s what it was invented for.

730AM. Second alarm rings. Brain is torn apart between the need to wake up for studying and the impulse of wanting to throw the goddamn phone out of the window. Economics and practicality win, and I wake up.

830AM. The usual morning routine of ‘laying awake on the bed loathing life choices, using washroom, taking a bath, looking at the stack of books and questioning the existence of concept of justice in life’ is finished.

9AM. A decision is arrived at to have a heavy breakfast before starting studies.

930AM. Breakfast arrives and is enjoyed with a hearty side order of Facebook memes and YouTube videos.

10AM. Breakfast over.

11AM. Streak of facebook memes over.

1110AM. Sleepiness kicks in due to heavy breakfast. 20 minutes worth of Punjabi cuss words are dedicated to the concept of exams.

1130AM. First actual session of study begins.

1230PM. Hunger pangs begin. Non-vegetarian lunch is ordered to uplift the mood and form the basis for an afternoon nap so that it’s eventually evening and productivity can rise due to a scientific phenomenon called as ‘bamboo ghus gaya‘.

2PM. Anxiety takes a toll and the best calming strategy ever known to man is summoned. It is a family blog, hence all I can tell you is that the strategy involves internet, anti-culture websites and a few minutes of fatigue and slight dehydration leading to sleep.

5PM. Wake up. Scream.

510PM. Stop screaming. Start crying.

530PM. Stop crying. Open 12 different books and read through them frantically, using the words ‘these are the keywords, rest I’ll just cook something up’.

1130PM. Wonder if your friends are as screwed up as you are.

12AM. Convince yourself that they are. Call your fiancée so that she can calm you down.

1245AM. Say good night to your fiancée and thank her for calming you down.

1AM. Realise that you haven’t calmed down. Summon the calming technique once more.

120AM. Disappoint yourself. Go to sleep.

7AM. Wake up. Scream.

9AM. Make plans for after-exams party.

10AM. Receive the question paper. Faint and/or let your heart die a little.

1PM. Lie to yourself that you’ll do better in the next paper.

2PM. Reach home. Take a post-exam nap while dreaming of changing soiled diapers in near future.

Fin.

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Passport is my marital right, and I shall get it made!

Being a guy who got engaged recently to get married later this year, I needed to start planning in order to achieve my ultimate goal in life: Give my money to some travel agent so that he can put me on some foreign city travel bus to pass some time for a few days after my wedding. The event, also known as honeymoon to the rest of the world, is called firangi Suhaag Raat in East Delhi. Anyway, to achieve my aforementioned goal, I had to get my passport made. In case you’re wondering why I still don’t have a passport even though I’m turning 28 this year, let me clarify that I’m a middle class guy and hence a firangi Suhaag Raat is probably the only reason I’ll ever use my passport for. Mere maathe pe ‘Wanderlust’ likha hai kya?

I have watched a lot of Office Office till 14 years of age(or till I discovered FTV, I don’t remember which came first) so I was expecting a lot of wooden tables with officials either on a lunch/tea-samosa break or asking me to make my application ‘a little heavier’. I was surprised to see that they have renamed the passport office as ‘Passport Seva Kendra’, to allay any fears that SAB TV addicts like me could have, and the entire procedure has been outsourced to TATA company, hence employees wouldn’t have samosa during tea breaks. Doughnuts, may be?

The privatised office meant not having to fill out a written application form in bold letters and then using fluid whitener to edit it over and over again because I behave like an idiot when it comes to such things. Now it’s mostly an online procedure, and though it may just be a rumour, but I’ve heard that Mrs. Sushma Swaraj personally tweets ‘Sab thik ho jaega’ to you in case you’re dumb enough to make a mistake at any step. So, with new-found confidence and complete trust in our foreign minister’s internet pack, I headed out to PSK centre at ITO, New Delhi.

The scenes at passport office suggests that almost the entire capital is trying to flee from India. People from all parts of New Delhi, all religions, all genders and all excuses of having lost their passport could be seen at the passport office to try and get their hands on something other than Aadhar Card as a proof of their existence and nationality. Since I was required to show our Aadhar Card to get a fresh passport made, I won’t be forced to link the two before a deadline in near future. I forgot to take my educational certificate in original, and hence had to make two visits, although I could’ve settled for a passport under ‘illiterate’ category, but I don’t want to put a thumb impression on documents when I’m on a foreign tour. It doesn’t seem classy at all.

It was a fairly quick process, and they clicked my photo too, which completed the trilogy of ‘really embarrassing photos’ after the grand success of Driving License and Aadhar Card. All that is left now is Police verification, and as soon as they tell the passport department that “katayi phattu hai ye banda, kuchh galat kar hi nahi sakta”, I’ll have my passport delivered to me by post, which I will carefully keep in the leather cover, wrap it in a plastic cover and hide it in the secret safe pocket of my Rupa vest. Then I can finally plan my upcoming tour.

What? Ooty trip doesn’t require a passport?

Kya faltu chakkar lagwa diya yaar!!

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I’m engaged, it’s 2018, but who likes ‘Change’ anyway?

Yes, I know I’ve blown the trumpet loud enough before, but you’ve got to understand that now whenever I see my face in the mirror and then look at my Facebook cover photo, shouting this out loud is my way of pinching myself. Sure, the fiancée expected me to change over passage of years, anniversaries and even the event called ‘engagement’, and in some ways I think I have changed, so let us have an honest discussion here. (and by honest discussion I mean I’ll write nonsense here and you’ll ignore it and move on with your life)

1. Looking at other women with a different view.

No. I don’t mean I look at them like they are my sisters. It’s just a quick transition from “She’s out of my league. Her friend too. The other woman standing behind her too.” to the post-engagement viewpoint of “ye waise bhi kahaan patne waali thi X 3″. Also, life has taught me that Haley’s comet and Raanjhanaa’s first half becoming a reality happens only once in 76 years. So, now I just take quick, platonic glances at women and follow it up with a deep sigh and the words “no yaar I wasn’t staring at her please mera vishwas karo!

2. Taking better care of my looks.

Now I’ve started alloting more monthly expenses to my personal grooming, which means I’ll get an upgrade from haircuts from ‘Dilsad Men’z Hair-Dresser Parlour‘ in Shahdara, because the fiancée says you might as well take care of them till they last, and I can make up for money lost with the fact that my shampoo expense will decrease in coming years.

She has strictly warned me against getting a Honey Singh haircut again, because she is a firm believer of the thought that a non-idiotic haircut gives a person confidence in his professional and personal life. That, and her parents would’ve said no to me because of that.

3. Becoming more responsible.

This is an extremely confusing status to achieve, because everyone has a different definition. My mother says it is about refilling the water bottle and putting it back in the fridge. My seniors say it is concentrating on the monitor in the OT, and my fiancée says it is avoiding cracking a joke or singing a song parody in the middle of a serious discussion, and then she very rudely slammed the phone down while I was in the middle of my oddly feminine rendition of ‘Sorry‘ by Justin Beiber.

4. Manage my finances better.

2017 was a quite bad year financially, as there was another annual hike in the rent of my accomodation near my workplace, and it means that while I pay money worth a view of the Green Park shopping complex, I get to wake up to a scene of Tuesday market next to a drain. In addition to that, I’m sure my feet haven’t stopped growing, and now I have to part way with more money to find shoes of size 11 to make sure my foot isn’t folded onto itself inside my shoe. Also, the food is getting more expensive because the Tiffin service has started cooking ghiya more often than ever and I’ve dedicated my life to the mission of avoiding such a dinner.

Growing up was never this tough, and it seems I’d have to become an adult pretty soon. It is going to be tough, because there is one thing I have tried to avoid more than ghiya: Becoming an adult. Hopefully the ring will give me power.

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