Shashi Tharoor Speech Level: Bollywood


This past week I kept getting links and videos of the Shashi Tharoor speech that he gave recently at some spell-bee contest or Dance England Dance reality show. I, obviously, did not bother to watch that video at first because I have a limited data pack and I cannot waste it over a boring speech when I have a lot of brazzers and facebook to explore. I read about it a lot in the news and I saw how proud he had made Indians, and hence I immediately followed his twitter account and wrote a patriotic message to him: “Proud of you sir! When are you getting married next? Please Invite Karna!”

The speech, as people tell me, left even the British people in awe. That speaks volumes because for the first time they did not make fun of someone’s Indian accent, leave alone making fun of a South-Indian accent. The speech had a lot of big words from the Oxford dictionary, and hence I am still waiting for an easier translation of the speech, hopefully including words such as “Le li tumne”, “daaku Saale” and “abey oh queen, paise kya tera baap wapas karega?”. The crux of the speech was how the British looted India and left us a poor nation. Mr. Tharoor plans to recite the entire document with the word ‘Congress’ in place of ‘Britain’ at Sonia Gandhi’s house next week.

Our Prime Minister Narendra Modi has praised Mr. Tharoor’s words and has promised that the entire video would be released in theatres next week, tax-free! PM Modi, however, was not happy with Tharoor not using any movie dialogue in his speech like Modiji himself does, but they reconciled after Mr. Tharoor promised to dance on Daler Mehendi’s Rang De Basanti the next time he goes to England. The speech has been told to be the second most patriotic thing that any Indian has done abroad, with the top act still being Saurav Ganguly’s nipple-show at Lord’s in the 2002 final.

Mr. Tharoor has said that Britain should pay back all the resources and money that they took from us till around 67 years back, to which the British government has reacted in a positive way by saying, “Please keep the bottle down now, Mr. Tharoor!”. He asked them to pay back after having calculated all the lives lost and resources taken in monetary terms himself, all adjusted to inflation, which made the entire North Indian Gupta-Aggarwal community shed a few tears of pride.

The young generation of India has found a new idol in Mr. Tharoor, because the guys already hate the British for adding 30 more chapters in their school history books and the girls just love the way he strikes his hair back many times in the speech. They even ignored the fact that he said he will take 8 minutes, but just like most Indian teachers, went on for almost twice of that.

Honestly, I liked his speech too. He stated a lot of correct history facts in his ‘Foreign-Education’ level English. But the fact that British rule sucked had already been explained to me by Akshay Kumar in Namastey London. I wish Mr. Tharoor had uprooted a hand-pump or something too. That would have been better than Saurav Ganguly’s hairy chest on national TV. No, wait. Can’t beat that.

 

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Anaesthesia And Tea: The Eternal Love Story


“There was definitely something in the air that day. I just couldn’t stop looking at her. She smelled amazing and there was a glow on her dusky face. She was actually looking smokin’ hot that day. It had been almost 24 hours since I last felt her touch, so I just couldn’t control myself. I brought my lips closer to hers, and took a sip. Superb cup of tea. I loved her.”

Just like a surgeon loves lack of sleep and varicose veins in his own legs, an Anaesthesiologist loves his tea. Perfect drink. Refreshing, hot, and no rocket science to prepare. I mean, I was never fond of cooking anything but now I follow an easy guide to prepare tea:
• Take an electric kettle and find its base from where you had forgotten it the day before.
• Wash a cup with detergent and pray to God that your terrible cleaning skills have managed just enough.
• Pour hot water in the cup and dip the tea bag in it EXACTLY 28.5 times. If you dip it any more or any less, it is a Hindi TV serial level bad omen. Aliens could abduct you or Salman Khan could make Kick 2 or Mihir could die.
• Add milk powder and sugar Swaadaanusar and Diabetes control-aanusar. Stir well. Drink. Don’t be stupid enough to use a straw. (OK just once that it happened to me, so stop judging)

In Anaesthesiology, tea is religious. It does not matter if you are vegetarian or non-vegetarian. People care less if you are a teetotaller or have to be carried home by two people every evening. But you must love your tea. You are an outcast if you do not drink tea. Imagine your peers and seniors enjoying a hot cup with diet-namkeen and Marie biscuits while you sit in a corner in darkness with your water bottle and indifference towards tea. You know what they are thinking about you? They are thinking that you are a peace-hating Satan-worshipping Congress supporter who probably watches Sonakshi Sinha movies first day first show. My advise: Thank God you didn’t mention coffee. May be you wouldn’t have been allowed in the same room.

I have faced my own problems with developing feelings for tea. See, I was never fond of tea. I like her cousin Iced Tea, who is way ‘cooler’ than her, but I think I have had hot tea less than 10 times in my life till last month. Now, I clean my cup with detergent, but I am not a pro at it, hence I am sure that there is always more surf-excel in my tea than milk powder. I will never figure out the right amount of sugar to be added to a cup, so my tea is either a coma-cocktail for a diabetic, or a bitter brown liquid which may melt your intestines. I wish to fall in love with tea soon. I don’t want to miss out on free Marie biscuits.

Tea has stood the test of time for Anaesthesiologists. From the era of Shambhu Chai Wala’s tongue-burning cutting to now where there is a huge prepare-it-yourself tea kit, we can look forward to the future where there might be a tea-dispensing outlet right below the ventilator. Remember, a sip can save lives. 😝

 

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Tinder And Dubsmash? Kids These Days!

 

Life was smooth, and till only a few years back, I was a free soul, spreading love, friend requests and creepiness all over Orkut. Then facebook came and I evolved into a more mature guy who could beg, borrow and steal to get likes. Now, having crossed the mark of 25 years of age and fighting a battle with career security and baldness, I see myself stranded in this new age of Apps such as Tinder and Dubsmash. Such is the irony, that at my age and level of desperation, I find Tinder useless. Damn Windows phones for not having an app when you need it most.

Welcome to the world of Tinder, where you can make ‘friends’ and talk to them if the app confirms a mutual interest, i.e. if both of you swipe each other’s photo to the right side. It is the most successful match-making tool after ‘Baniya Community Rishtey hi Rishtey’ centres functioning all over Delhi. On Tinder, a guy has a long menu card of girls to show interest in, with a total of two ‘About Me’ introductions:
Studied at Hogwarts’ Academy of witchcraft and wizardry
Ye duniya Pittal di Baby Doll main Sone di LOL ROFL
Such honesty. Much originality. Wow.

The app is a brilliant innovation for guys who suck at pick-up lines. Now we don’t have to buy a woman a drink or let her jump the queue in front of us or like all her facebook pictures to show our interest in her. Based on your libido, swipe right either the Sunny leone song fan or Potterhead or for the lack of options, both, wait for your ‘best-photo-ever’ to be swiped right, and simply ask the girl out, only to be blocked because “Hey, want to sax?” as an introduction line is creepy even by Tinder standards. Swipe-Wait-Waste-Repeat.

As an app, Tinder is the right features of Yahoo Chat Rooms minus the hassle of asking age sex and location. It matches the opposite gender according to your location and age, hence saving you the embarrassment of watching a hairy naked man touch himself as soon as the webcam feed turns on. Also, there won’t be that friend to disturb you by saying things like “Abey tharki saara time online rehta hai!” while you are chatting with beyondyouraukaat_in_real_life@yahoo.com. On the flipside, a few personally known-to members of opposite gender or worse, family, may be found in your options, in which case my advise will be to uninstall the app, break your phone, change your city and get back to risking watching an unknown man’s perverse acts on yahoo chat rooms.

Speaking of things that are a horror to watch, let’s talk about Dubsmash. This is an app which has pre-recorded dialogues and music audio and you can record yourself dubbing them and then share it, making it the only narcissistic thing worse than Narendra Modi’s selfies. Girls usually dub Kareena Kapoor’s scenes while the guys like to experiment with Kanti Shah and Govinda movies. The over-enthusiastic ones do Gangs of Wasseypur‘s abuse-filled dialogues, and get beaten up by parents at home after sharing it in the family group on WhatsApp. (Fictional sentence. No such thing happened to me. OK may be it happened once.) But why should I go to such stupid and ugly lengths to to gather attention? I will stick to writing blogs to achieve that.

Yes. These times are tough, especially for technologically backward people, or as the android owners call them, Windows phone owners. Things will get better with time. All I need is an android phone, a few right swipes and yes, a life.

 

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