Unpaid Preview: Bang Bang!

Disclaimer: Kindly excuse the grammatical mistakes. The author is one of those people who pronounce Gucci as gakkee and he giggles like an idiot when someone mentions the writer Ayn Rand.

Bang Bang! is the official Bollywood remake of Knight And Day, a hit Hollywood action movie. Official remake is just a fancy term for Pritam’s unpatented work ethics.

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Hrithik Roshan has charged 30 crore rupees for this movie. Yes. 3 followed by *does mental calculations while doing abacus gestures with hands*… 8 zeroes! My initial reaction was a very slow yet loud “Oh! Bhen! C#%d!“. However, I now think that it hardly matters. 97% of guys would still be going to watch Katrina only. Hrithik’s role was initially offered to Shahid Kapoor but he refused because he wanted to avoid comparisons with Tom Cruise. That, and Tom Cruise threatened to put kerosene and douse himself if Shahid Kapoor portrayed him on screen.

Hrithik Roshan promoted this movie by issuing #BangBangdare to other actors of Bollywood. Now for those who don’t know, this challenge is similar to the ALS ice bucket challenge, except that:
1. It was for the awareness of plight of divorced actors who owe their ex-wives their property, cash and all body organs of the present and the next three lives.
2. We do not get to see any wet male nipples and/or wastage of water.

Fun fact: A bridge in Manali where some parts of the film have been shot has been renamed as ‘Bang Bang point‘, which for some misunderstanding has led to a mass tourism influx of mostly unmarried couples from UP and Delhi.

The movie has been directed by Siddharth Anand, famous for his critically ignored, financially disastrous and career-destroying Ta Ra Rum Pum and Anjaana Anjaani. His Salaam Namaste was a hit though. But then it was based on a hit formula of Preity Zinta getting knocked up before marriage by the unbelievably fertile one-shot impregnating machine Saif Ali Khan. ‘Kya Kehna‘? Say Haw.

Shahid Kapoor however will make his presence felt this Friday in Haider, a movie in which Vishal Bhardwaj tries to prevent him from over-acting once again after having succeeded in Kaminey.

Quick PJ:
What is Shahid Kapoor’s favorite way of scoring a goal?
Haider.

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God bless freedom of speech.

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Unpaid Preview: Khoobsurat

Khoobsurat is an upcoming movie starring Sonam Kapoor and produced by Disney studios which usually produces movies based on Princesses and Ogres. Sonam Kapoor’s previous hit was also based on the same concept, as Ranjhanaa had Dhanush as the ‘other’ Ogre.

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It is loosely based on the old Rekha-starrer Khoobsurat which won a Filmfare award. The above sentence hence proves that another old gem is going the Golmaal-Bol Bachchan way, and that my previews are based on thorough knowledge of history. (Wikipedia)

I’ll answer some FAQs no one asked about my hatred for Sonam Kapoor:

Q: Why do you dislike Sonam Kapoor?
A: Sonam Kapoor does not fulfill any purpose for me other than giving me a hint about how Anil Kapoor would look without that external layer of hair. And dislike is a very mild word.

Q: But you have to appreciate her fashion sense…
A: Her fashion sense is like Jump-suits for women. An eyesore but still people go all ‘naya phaissun hai‘ about it.

Q: Ranjhanaa was a hit. Why do you still think she can’t act?
A: Ranjhanaa was a hit because of Dhanush. He gave a ray of hope to middle class boys like me, that even if we look like an e-rickshaw driver, we can still get a girlfriend if we have the balls to slash our wrists.

Q: Did it ever work for you?
A: After 600 ml of blood loss and 4 days of hospital stay, I ended up with a restraining order and a scar on the wrist. But now other girls are scared and talk nicely. So I got that going for me.

Q: Which is your least favorite Sonam Kapoor movie?
A: ‘I Hate Love Stories’. Imran Khan and Sonam Kapoor together in one movie. Caused an erectile dysfunction epidemic.

Q: Do you dislike Anil Kapoor too?
A: No way! *dances to ‘my name is lakhan‘ to prove true respect for him*

Q: What would it take in Khoobsurat to make you watch it?
A: A sad ending, Marvel studios productions and Kareena Kapoor to do ‘Engine ki seeti me mharo‘.

Q: Are you saying this because she was fat earlier?
A: Shut up Arjun Kapoor. I don’t have anything against you.

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Unpaid Preview: Creature 3D

Bipasha Basu is back with a bang, or with the ugliest CGI result in the history of movies, whatever you prefer to call it.

Seriously, if you have watched the teaser of the movie, you know the gravity of the situation. I don’t know if it’s because of low CGI budget or just the understanding that the audience would be coming, if at all, only to watch some bare backs and kissing scenes, that they have created such a villain. I mean, the creature looks like a cross between Sharad Pawar and Lady Gaga in her worst make up. Either that, or Saif Ali Khan with measles and a tail.

Bipasha Basu is going back to the genre which catapulted her into stardom: Horror. It all started with Raaz 1. It had horror and thrill mixed with the correct amount of cleavage, such that the audience even endured Dino Morea for more than two hours. Lately, things have started going downhill because her latest horror movies Humshakals and Raaz 3 have bombed at the box office.

Here is a sneak peak of the movie. (For that matter, most horror movies made by Vikram Bhatt, the Kanti Shah of the elite class)

Hero meets heroine.
Song by a Pakistani artist cleverly hidden in disguise of a sex scene.

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They go for a vacation(more sexy time).

People start dying all around.
“Koi hai Jo badla lena chahta hai”
KLPD scene because of the evil power.

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Heroine shouts like this.

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Essential pyromania using some random dug up body or idol.
Happily ever after.

Sequel is announced.

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Sex – Shout – Burn – Repeat.

I won’t go to see the movie. So please keep me updated about any changes in the Vikram Bhatt story line or any freshness in erotic scenes. All those scenes won’t torrent themselves.

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Kabaddi! Naam toh suna hoga!

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Star Sports Pro Kabaddi league makes me feel nostalgic, because I spent a lot of my childhood summer holiday mornings playing this sport. Not very pleasant memories though, because being the thinnest creature of my group, I was always picked last, and even the girls of my group were picked by captains before me. My raids into the opposition area usually began with them saying “Pakad lo bhencho isey” and ended with me saying “Aaahh Lag gayi Mujhe kutto!“.

I confess that I started watching the league because I thought it would be a very violent and hence hilarious affair. What else could one expect after bringing together 14 Haryana Jaats and/or Punjabi potatoes on a mat and asking them to use physical force? I expected a lot of MC-BC chants and ‘desi kick-boxing’ (read: random and dangerous flinging of all four limbs), but instead what I got was a very intriguing and technical game.

Kabaddi was the last game I expected to be technical, because what I remember from my childhood was a box made up of our own footwear divided into two halves by more of our own, or at times borrowed footwear. Now, there are multiple lines in each half, most probably denoting ‘Beware! Jaat inside’ or ‘Ta cha Mayla maratha capture area’. The teams have specialists now (raiders and defenders). Instead, we had, and I am not kidding, ‘Choos-Lees‘ and ‘Saands‘(bulls).

The teams in the league have amazing names such as U-Mumba, inspired from the nickname of Mukesh Ambani’s son. Junior Bachchan owns the Jaipur team, and hence we know where the family earnings from Kaun Banega Crorepati have gone. (None of the above people are politicians, hence I am free to make jokes on them till Jaya ji gets high again). Junior Bachchan cheers for his team in every match and gives a lot of angry/fierce/passionate/Why-am-I-not-getting-movies expressions. #SRKChakDeIndiaWannabe.

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I wish this league stays and grows. With the Indian test cricket in shambles and most of us not giving a fuck about ODIs till the world cup next year, India needs some sporting action to feel better. Manchester United fans and Virat Kohli are excluded from the above criteria.

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Best Man at a ‘Vyaah’

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My elder brother is getting married, and it has given me a chance to be a witness to stereotypical punjabi wedding preparations. Here are the notes… A first hand experience.

Vyaah is the punjabi word for a typical punjabi wedding. I am 50% punjabi and 50% brahmin, which is possibly the worst Indian ethnicity combination because you are torn apart between your lust for chicken and alcohol and your principles as a brahmin. As a result we have to use any lame excuse to justify our non-vegetarian habits. My current excuse is “bhai kya karein, Kalyug hai!”

The first event in a Sharma family wedding is the Kirtan/Jaagran, because, you know, the surname. I have been told that it is necessary to ask God for blessings for the new couple. That is just half the truth. The function also serves as a prayer to God to keep the wedding budget in check and to forgive us for hosting a cocktail party.

Punjabis do not need to book any artists because the star attraction of a Punjabi wedding is that particular uncle/jeeja who performs that sacred dance on Anoop Jalota’s ahead-of-its-time priceless booze music after getting sloshed at almost every function. Totally unrelated fact: a significant portion of my family is only interested in knowing the brand of whisky being served at the cocktail party. The rest of the family is my mother.

A vyaah has a lot of serious issues like clothes, venue, clothes, catering and, ahem …clothes. I stress on clothes because that’s what seems to be the sole purpose of the female half of my family. A happy day for them is a day when they can find any accessories matching their dress. A happier day is when they can find a better dress than the previous one. Hence, buy-match-discard-repeat cycle continues.(Plays like a song in their mind, I guess)

I have relatives who do the typical rat-in-my-underpants dance in the baaraat, and then from time to time, put their arm around the groom’s shoulder and ask if he is happy and having fun. According to me, the real question to the groom should be “On a scale of zero to ‘I want to kill myself’, how embarrassed do you feel?”

After a lot of unfruitful shopping trips, I have finalized my perfect look for the wedding: A neat and clean shave which might make my face look like Tiger Shroff’s chest, and 2-3 layers of inners beneath my suit to ensure that I look bulky, and then I will pray for the 47 degree Celsius outside to be easy on me.

Being a part of a Punjabi wedding is like Vidya Balan’s ‘The Dirty Picture‘. Yes, it is entertainment three times over, but might cause a lot of embarrassment if you are in the audience with your extended family.

Now if you will excuse me I have to go and get ready. I wonder if Tiger Shroff uses a razor or sandpaper?

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Ankit Sharma ki List

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Here is a list of points I am looking for in a girl for no obvious reason. A tribute to my favorite comedian Vir Das, inspired by his upcoming movie Amit Sahni ki List.

1. Must be at least 5’6″ tall. Heels are acceptable to achieve that height only if NOT accompanied by constant cribbing about having to wear them.

2. Must not be a football fan. If a football fan, must not state random facts or opinions and make me feel stupid.

3. Justin Bieber fan strictly contraindicated.

4. Must NEVER be a source of candy crush requests.

5. Maggi is the minimum requisite as well as the maximum expectation in terms of cooking.

6. Must be well educated. Allowed to correct my grammar mistakes a maximum of three times a day.

7. Must wear nice clothes. Must remember to remove brand labels to avoid being termed a show-off.

8. Cricket fan preferred, but at no point must she make any direct comparison of Virat Kohli’s beard with my irregular patches of facial hair.

9. Almost any taste in music is alright as long as I am not forced to listen to excess of Enrique or any Selena Gomez at all.

10. Must be a Game of Thrones fan. Imp must be her favorite character. She should silently pray on a daily basis that Imp must not die.
In the case she has read the book, any spoiler shall be a cause of termination of relationship with immediate effect.

11. Looks do not matter to me as long as size doesn’t matter to her.

(Request: Please do not read too much into the last point)

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Unpaid Preview: Ek Villain

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Disclaimer: The movie (and the preview) is NOT based on the autobiography of Shakti Kapoor. Any resemblance must be considered a casting-couch attempt.

Balaji Motion Pictures present their latest thriller… Ek Villain. With this movie, their sequel-making factory continues working, because most probably this movie is a sequel of either Love Sex aur Dhokha or Ek Thi Daayan, depending on who turns out to be the villain. It could be any of the three lead actors of the movie, or the star attraction… Kamaal Rashid Khan.

Yes, the rumors and the Mayan calendar doomsday prediction is true. KRK, India’s only world-famous moron  and the world’s most advanced case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, is finally working in a movie not funded by the sale of his family land and property. His previous work was the humanity-challenging film Deshdrohi, which had destroyed all concepts of acting and filmmaking, before they were re-destroyed by Sajid Khan’s Humshakals.

This is Sidharth Malhotra’s third movie after SOTY, and the relationship-breaker rom-com Hasee to Phasee, which has the record of being the second largest reason of break-ups among young couples after Gori Tere Pyaar Mein. In this movie, he plays a criminal, which was not tough to deduce because according to Mohit Suri, hoodies is the official dress-code of National Criminal Association of India.

Riteish Deshmukh looks like a psychopath in the trailer, and I am sure that the role will come naturally to him, because he has done 4 movies with Sajid Khan, and I am sure that count is enough to either destroy your career in Bollywood or sink your brain right to your knees.

Shraddha Kapoor is as always looking beautiful, and hence Aashiqui2 fans have a reason to get drunk and storm the theaters again.

Mohit Suri, the director of the film, has refuted all claims about the film being ‘inspired’ from the Korean movie ‘I Saw The Devil’. I believe him. I also believed Pritam when he said something similar. We are Indians. We do not copy or get inspired. We do not lie because hum Geeta par haath rakh kar kasam khaate hain…

I surely want to watch the movie and I have two strong reasons for that:
1. Prachi Desai in Awari. Yum!
2.

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Yeah, you heard him! Now don’t be a super duper one and go watch the movie.

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Unpaid Preview: Humshakals

Disclaimer: Not much of the following is based on truth. Except the Wikipedia facts and the feelings. Ai shapath.

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Humshakals is an upcoming movie directed by self-proclaimed comedy genius and Farah Khan look-alike Sajid Khan. The star-cast(LOL) of movie includes Saif Ali Khan, poor man’s Ranbir Kapoor (Riteish Deshmukh) and the Indian version of Andre-the-giant (famous for the ironically titled TV series ‘Bade acche lagte hain‘).

Sajid Khan took a risk by bringing these three actors together, and then he challenged the sanity of the audience by multiplying the equation by three, because not even Sajid Khan himself can be sure about their comic timing.

Ram Kapoor’s previous movie was ‘Mere Dad Ki Maruti‘, and I was disappointed because Ram kapoor did not play the role of the car (Maruti Ertiga) in the movie. Worse, the car was portrayed by Sonakshi Sinha, and I hate the South-west zone(sector 23-26) of her forehead. The last time Saif tried to do comedy was as Boris/Barees in Go Goa Gone, and he left the audience praying for a zombie holocaust. So out of the three actors, it is only Riteish that I can think of spending my money on, but now even his IQ is dropping at the rate of 1.5 Alia Bhatt units per Sajid Khan movie.

Music is by Himesh Reshammiya, but he might have been acting, singing, and doing what-not in Xposé along with this project so I am sure that most of the songs are jinxed. That caller tune song more or less proves my theory. The Wikipedia page for the movie shows its running time as 159 minutes and budget as 55 crore rupees, and expectedly, it scares the Shirish Kunder out of me, because it seems like a scam or a conspiracy theory in itself.

The female cast of the movie comprises of Bipasha, Tamannah and Esha Gupta, or at least their legs and navel as the trailers show, hence making sure that (given there are enough item songs) I will download the movie or at least the videos using torrent.

The summary is… Finally, Akhil Bollywood Sajid  Khan Rozgaar Yojna is back. Previous beneficiaries like Shreyas Talpede and Fardeen Khan are actively writing testimonials for Sajid Khan, though the president of their ‘Retired-but-not-giving-up Actors Association’, Sir Chunkey Pandey, is reportedly unhappy. But I still believe… He’saaJoking!

Hence, No, I will not go to watch this movie in the theater. Shakal se lagta hu, par hu nahi.

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Because Politics Is Stupid

Out of the very few useful things that these elections taught me, my favorite one was knowing that organisms like Amit Shah actually exist. I was tired of believing that Saurabh Shukla and Satish Kaushik played only fictitious characters in bollywood.

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The other good thing about the elections was that Indian-version-of-blonde of a human being known as Rahul Gandhi. After that epic interview with Arnab Goswami, which left the audience in splits and Sonia Gandhi with a facepalm, I realised how easy it is to create a fool out of oneself on TV. A stay at Bigg Boss house or being Ekta Kapoor is no more necessary for that.

The unending and sometimes annoying coverage of elections on TV, newspaper and even facebook really increased my general knowledge. For example, now I know that Snoop-gate wasn’t related to voyeurism or pornography, and I was trying to search about it on the wrong website. Also, now I know what a ‘Third Front’ is. As per my understanding, these are regional parties which, if get more than 20 seats, become important. Or as Manmohan Singh calls them, pain-in-the-ass.

Then there was the Modi-wave. The man is believed to have been born in Kryptonmati Ashram, and has led his state to milestones in development which, if you ask me, can be summed up as Lol-dry-state-whats-the-use.

I voted for Modi, and then committed hara-kiri by telling that to people on facebook. I was called anti-national, communal, April’s fool and was angry enough to find myself following Giriraj Singh’s Twitter account. You can follow him too at @IRCTC_DelhitoLahoreTrainservice.

There was also a minor Aam Aadmi Party current prevailing, at least in Delhi. As a 23-year old unemployed couch-potato, I would prefer that they take care of the corruption in IPL first. I’m sure Shazia Ilmi would bring more glamour quotient. And Dilli-wallas would be happy to see a team perform worse than Delhi Daredevils. Win-win! Since the elections are over, I can be honest. I didn’t vote for them because I am scared of Amit Shah, the man solely responsible for increased cases of nocturnal enuresis(bed wetting) in UP.

Now that the BJP government has been elected with a majority, I wish them best of luck. May Rajnath Singh (Yes, that Raza Murad’s voice-double guy) be better than that pseudo-Susheel guy and hopefully Arun Jaitley will not find his name being urinated upon on Railway station walls.

Also, I am worried about the fact that Falguni Pathak may be named the National Singer of India. About that, please Mr. Modi, let’s not make any rash decisions here.

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Wrong about ‘About Me’

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Hi. My name is Dr. Ankit Sharma. I am like any average Ankit Sharma except for the fact that I have an MBBS degree, hence my knowledge about private parts does not come only from porn.

I was born in a middle class family. To make my financial status more clear, just imagine a kid who would have been a social outcast at any Delhi Public School branch but would have been a chick-magnet at a Rajkiya/Sarvodaya Vidyalaya.

I spent a normal childhood where I was allowed to go to play outside after I had completed my homework, tuitions and preparation for exams. Yes, exactly, after Eternity. Due to lack of physical sports and over-enthusiastic genetic make up, I grew taller than 6 feet with a body structure for which X-rays are not necessary to diagnose fractures.

I was raised as a typical ‘Parents ka Raja Beta‘. That is why I was made to believe that I looked ‘just fine’ while the world felt puke-ish at the mere mention of my name. I realised that fact when I looked at the mirror after hitting puberty.

Puberty, like all other normal boys, made me awkward and under-confident. Yes, like today’s Rahul Gandhi except the fair skin and low IQ.

I didn’t always want to be a doctor. I was OK at maths too. But then, shit happens. It was either a session of perverted thoughts after reading the chapter on Reproduction in biology, or generalised family tendency to want to have grey hair before achieving job security, that made me opt for this career.

I want to be known as a funny guy. Totally unrelated fact, mostly I cry myself to sleep.

I know how to play drums. Honestly,  I can only fit a 4 by 4 beat into almost any song. No, I have never done, nor am I interested to do Mata ke Jaagran.

I had a short acting career in college. People never threw eggs or tomatoes. So, Yay.

I am a movie buff. My wildest fantasy includes watching DDLJ at maratha mandir or Avengers at IMAX. Now, you may think that It’s sad, but… I agree.

I am not a teetotaller. I think beer is awesome because of many reasons. I think wine is awful only because it is beyond my affordability.

No, I am not drunk right now.

Hopefully the above ‘About Me’ tells you more than the usual “Now wat do I say bout mahself, I m loving, caring, luv to live life fully, mah close friends knw me…” style facebook introductions that you read.

Yours truly :-)

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