The Fault In Our Bars

This post is dedicated to the booze binge that most medical students go on when their exams get over. Without being judgemental, I would like to state that ‘exams’, as an excuse to drink, could mean any question-filled interaction, from PG entrance to Professional or Semester-end or just a casual “why were you absent for the last 3 days” from the tutorial in-charge.

With limited pocket money and lack of options to borrow money from, a medico is torn apart between his ego to get served at a high-end bar and his lust for unimaginable amounts of booze that he plans to have that evening. That is where I feel that bars of New Delhi have failed its medical students.

1. Happy Hours
1+1 is expected, 2+3 is great, 1+2 is ‘bas kar pagle, rulaega kya’, but what is 3+1?!? Not only is that an insult to a final year MBBS student’s capacity, it is also an assault on their parents’ wallet. Also, the compulsion to reach a bar before 8PM(happy hours getting over) and having a girlfriend who likes to put pounds of make-up and is hence always late, can make up for a frustrating combination for some people.

2. Taxes
VAT, Service charge, Service tax, education cess, and the waiter’s judgemental looks at the end of your meal makes up for a sphincter-tightening addition to your already soaring bill. That is the case when I have to literally beg the bar crew to refill my bowl of complimentary salted peanuts. I think it is correct to ban dance bars in India. More than STDs, I am worried about new taxes like ‘Entertainment tax’, Erection cess’, and ‘Don’t-be-so-cheap-put-a-100-in-her-dress surcharge’.

3. Music
All we ask for is music according to the mood. Every bar plays its own music, and continues through the night, whereas we have our own habits. Almost every awesome hostel party follows a pattern. Start off with some EDM, then shift to anything with lyrics after the first complaint from the Haryanvi roommate. Just as the effect of booze starts to kick in, switch to Yo Yo Honey Singh. At this point, someone will get sad because of his love-life, and all would be forced to listen to Hindi romantic songs. Aadat by Atif Aslam would be the last of that part of the party, and “Forget about that slut ya!” will be followed by rectal-prolapse inducing sing-along of ‘In The End’ by Linkin Park. But the final song of every hostel party, the crème-de-la-crème of the night, is the golden Yo Yo Song which mentions Vagina in Hindi rather artistically.

The problem of music is more sinister due to the rampant karaoke nights now, because according to my friends, the only thing worse than a Yo Yo Song, is me singing it. Cheers to that

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My Hindutva Is Bigger Than Yours

I am a Hindu. I wasn’t asked what i wanted to be, else i would have opted to be an Avenger, or Byomkesh Bakshi, but my parents tell me it is not my choice. I am Hindu by birth, which means by the time I die i would know the names of 330 Million Gods, I get to cut my hair (with an added provision of keeping a choti) and i get to keep my prepuce.
Being a Hindu as per some extremists means celebrating your religion, as well as preserving your culture from western influence such as alcoholism, short clothes, and having a girlfriend.

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I actually tried to be an extremist in my own mind and to match the ridiculously low thinking standards of some leaders, I came up with following issues to make noise and get noticed:

1. Batman movies to be boycotted in India, because we only want a Hindu Bale, not a Christian one.

2. Yo Yo Honey Singh is anti-hindutva. He should alter his lyrics to something absurd, yet Indian like
Char bottle Gangaajal…
Saath me chakhna SeetaPhal
And he should change his name to Har Har Modi Ji. Oh wait. That one’s taken.

It doesn’t matter how much power or seats BJP gets in elections in the name of governance and development, there would always be people like Yogi Adityanath… who want to take us to an alternate world, a world where Hinduism is the single biggest religion, the pope is called Papa ji, and most importantly, Hindus have more control over the loudspeakers, because their can be no development without disturbing students studying in their houses by Navratra songs’ noise. Add those intentions to the regressive thinking of Khap Panchayats, and that’s the recipe for your own Mini North Korea.

There are a lot of good things that religion or culture teaches us. For every thing else, there’s a Khap Panchayat.

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No Reasons You Should Read This Blog

God created Humans, and then humans created internet and engineering colleges. An overflow of B.Tech graduates meant that even consultancy jobs weren’t enough to keep them busy. Hence you now know them as authors of a lot (A LOT!) of ‘n reasons this is that and that is this’ articles.

Now that I have vented out my frustration because of being unemployed despite being a medical graduate,  let me be a hypocrite and lay down reasons why you should read my blog:

1. Please.

Please read my blog. It will give me much-needed confidence as I have a lot family problems and possible infections at unmentionable places. Just Kidding. I don’t have any family problems.

2. Honesty.

My limited knowledge of grammar and laughable IQ doesn’t allow me to write ‘rants’ or ‘musings’ or other such quasi-Bong intelligent things. You can consider my posts ‘things to read sitting on an English commode when you are too bored to be on facebook’.

3. Long term goals.

I want to have a column one day and I’m ready to do any ‘compromise’ for that. If you know any good looking female editor-in-chief, kindly send her the link. Also, help me to hide my blog from Shakti Kapoor.

4. One-time fame.

My blog is not that unknown. It was once shared by Vir Das on his page. Now people say that I should let it go now and stop showing off. I agree. I’ll stop once i get a wall paper made of this screenshot and this fact tattooed on some appropriate body part.

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5. Blackmail.

Hail Failed Humor! This message has started from Sajid Khan’s office. You must read and share my blog now, because if you ignore, your pen will leak on an important exam paper or you will develop prostate problems 10 years earlier than usual. Don’t worry, nothing will happen to your mother’s health. That’s just stupid.

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Unpaid Preview: Action Jackson

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This Friday could mean comedy, emotions and masala for the Indian audience. But that is if you stay at home, order spicy chicken tikka and watch Zee Cafe. Or you could spoil your weekend by watching Ajay Devgn do mootra-visarjan over his National award winning career.

Action Jackson features Sonakshi Sinha as the protagonist, and true to the title of the movie, she does a lot of action scenes in the movie, like beating up 50-60 goons every five minutes followed by eating most of them alive.

The movie also stars Ajay Devgn, sporting a chest tattoo which is probably the result of an alcoholic tattoo artist throwing up on his chest after too many drinks. Now before any tattoo enthusiasts start judging me, let me make a statement… “Needle se fat-ti hai meri”

Directed by Prabhu Deva, the movie is the second part of the series which proves that Indian men are so desperate, that they’d even court a mustache-less Shatrughan Sinha to have a girlfriend. I hope Haryana learns a lesson and stops female foeticide, because Shahid Kapoor and Ajay Devgn singing songs for Sonakshi Sinha is an obvious side-effect of the screwed-up sex ratio.

I didn’t watch Happy New Year, still you may call me an SRKtard all you want for saying that HNY would prove better than AJ. At least Farah Khan didn’t feature in every video twisting her legs and arms like Prabhu Deva(Thank God for that)! I liked him till Muqala Muqabla song. Now he has become such a… ‘twisted’ personality.

Quick PJ:
Who would star in the movie based on Chetan Bhagat’s novel Half Girlfriend?
One-fourth Sonakshi Sinha.
Do the math yourself.

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Half Girlfriend only half-insults the halfwit

There are some brilliant books in the market. Some which challenge your notions about the world, some which shake your beliefs. But I haven’t read any of those because my story with literature has been of a guy who can’t get meaningful love, simply because he cannot afford it. Nothing meaningful comes for Rs170. It can only buy you a cheap McDonalds date, or Chetan Bhagat’s latest: Half Girlfriend.

Let me clarify that I had fun reading Five point someone and 2 states. So, this is not just some judgmental note against someone who doesn’t read Sidney Sheldon or PG Wodehouse and enjoys Chetan Bhagat. This is only a judgemental note against anyone who liked One night at a call center or that 250-pages mood-murdering Revolution 2020. Saale ch*+#e log, koi taste hai ke nahi?

Half Girlfriend is way different from Mr.Bhagat’s earlier works:
1. Instead of talking about pink lips and *insert explicit adjectives* breasts, the protagonist falls for one of the more unconventional body parts of the girl. Eyebrows! He describes them to great details, and I disagree, because there can only be three types of eyebrows:
§ London Bridge shaped unibrow. E.g.

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§ Two separate bushes each resembling Lalu Yadav’s ear.

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§ Normal

2. The sex scene comes very late. Almost at the end. There were a few kissing scenes in between, and hence every *unzipping of pants sound* was followed by a KLPD till the final few pages, where guys like me finally got their money’s worth.

3. This book is not unbelievable. Instead, it is outright a fictional Bollywood script. I was surprised how it didn’t have free lyrics for the item songs too. It starts out as a story about hardships of a guy from Bihar and his problems in getting a Delhi girl to be his girlfriend. Nonsense. If that alien in Yaariyan can kiss Evelyn Sharma, any guy can get any girl in this world. *Secretly feels hopeful about the future*

Sure, changing India one Bihar village at a time and the theme of bringing youth to work for India is always there. But then, Bill Gates is thrown into the story and that’s when you know that Tom Alter is going to get a role in Bollywood very soon.

The mental-notes of the protagonist do not seem fresh anymore, hence seem less funny than previous books. Overall, i think i could have liked the book. If only the ‘scene’ would have been ‘explained’ better. Hence I still have a doubt left:

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Unpaid Preview: Bang Bang!

Disclaimer: Kindly excuse the grammatical mistakes. The author is one of those people who pronounce Gucci as gakkee and he giggles like an idiot when someone mentions the writer Ayn Rand.

Bang Bang! is the official Bollywood remake of Knight And Day, a hit Hollywood action movie. Official remake is just a fancy term for Pritam’s unpatented work ethics.

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Hrithik Roshan has charged 30 crore rupees for this movie. Yes. 3 followed by *does mental calculations while doing abacus gestures with hands*… 8 zeroes! My initial reaction was a very slow yet loud “Oh! Bhen! C#%d!“. However, I now think that it hardly matters. 97% of guys would still be going to watch Katrina only. Hrithik’s role was initially offered to Shahid Kapoor but he refused because he wanted to avoid comparisons with Tom Cruise. That, and Tom Cruise threatened to put kerosene and douse himself if Shahid Kapoor portrayed him on screen.

Hrithik Roshan promoted this movie by issuing #BangBangdare to other actors of Bollywood. Now for those who don’t know, this challenge is similar to the ALS ice bucket challenge, except that:
1. It was for the awareness of plight of divorced actors who owe their ex-wives their property, cash and all body organs of the present and the next three lives.
2. We do not get to see any wet male nipples and/or wastage of water.

Fun fact: A bridge in Manali where some parts of the film have been shot has been renamed as ‘Bang Bang point‘, which for some misunderstanding has led to a mass tourism influx of mostly unmarried couples from UP and Delhi.

The movie has been directed by Siddharth Anand, famous for his critically ignored, financially disastrous and career-destroying Ta Ra Rum Pum and Anjaana Anjaani. His Salaam Namaste was a hit though. But then it was based on a hit formula of Preity Zinta getting knocked up before marriage by the unbelievably fertile one-shot impregnating machine Saif Ali Khan. ‘Kya Kehna‘? Say Haw.

Shahid Kapoor however will make his presence felt this Friday in Haider, a movie in which Vishal Bhardwaj tries to prevent him from over-acting once again after having succeeded in Kaminey.

Quick PJ:
What is Shahid Kapoor’s favorite way of scoring a goal?
Haider.

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God bless freedom of speech.

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Unpaid Preview: Khoobsurat

Khoobsurat is an upcoming movie starring Sonam Kapoor and produced by Disney studios which usually produces movies based on Princesses and Ogres. Sonam Kapoor’s previous hit was also based on the same concept, as Ranjhanaa had Dhanush as the ‘other’ Ogre.

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It is loosely based on the old Rekha-starrer Khoobsurat which won a Filmfare award. The above sentence hence proves that another old gem is going the Golmaal-Bol Bachchan way, and that my previews are based on thorough knowledge of history. (Wikipedia)

I’ll answer some FAQs no one asked about my hatred for Sonam Kapoor:

Q: Why do you dislike Sonam Kapoor?
A: Sonam Kapoor does not fulfill any purpose for me other than giving me a hint about how Anil Kapoor would look without that external layer of hair. And dislike is a very mild word.

Q: But you have to appreciate her fashion sense…
A: Her fashion sense is like Jump-suits for women. An eyesore but still people go all ‘naya phaissun hai‘ about it.

Q: Ranjhanaa was a hit. Why do you still think she can’t act?
A: Ranjhanaa was a hit because of Dhanush. He gave a ray of hope to middle class boys like me, that even if we look like an e-rickshaw driver, we can still get a girlfriend if we have the balls to slash our wrists.

Q: Did it ever work for you?
A: After 600 ml of blood loss and 4 days of hospital stay, I ended up with a restraining order and a scar on the wrist. But now other girls are scared and talk nicely. So I got that going for me.

Q: Which is your least favorite Sonam Kapoor movie?
A: ‘I Hate Love Stories’. Imran Khan and Sonam Kapoor together in one movie. Caused an erectile dysfunction epidemic.

Q: Do you dislike Anil Kapoor too?
A: No way! *dances to ‘my name is lakhan‘ to prove true respect for him*

Q: What would it take in Khoobsurat to make you watch it?
A: A sad ending, Marvel studios productions and Kareena Kapoor to do ‘Engine ki seeti me mharo‘.

Q: Are you saying this because she was fat earlier?
A: Shut up Arjun Kapoor. I don’t have anything against you.

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Unpaid Preview: Creature 3D

Bipasha Basu is back with a bang, or with the ugliest CGI result in the history of movies, whatever you prefer to call it.

Seriously, if you have watched the teaser of the movie, you know the gravity of the situation. I don’t know if it’s because of low CGI budget or just the understanding that the audience would be coming, if at all, only to watch some bare backs and kissing scenes, that they have created such a villain. I mean, the creature looks like a cross between Sharad Pawar and Lady Gaga in her worst make up. Either that, or Saif Ali Khan with measles and a tail.

Bipasha Basu is going back to the genre which catapulted her into stardom: Horror. It all started with Raaz 1. It had horror and thrill mixed with the correct amount of cleavage, such that the audience even endured Dino Morea for more than two hours. Lately, things have started going downhill because her latest horror movies Humshakals and Raaz 3 have bombed at the box office.

Here is a sneak peak of the movie. (For that matter, most horror movies made by Vikram Bhatt, the Kanti Shah of the elite class)

Hero meets heroine.
Song by a Pakistani artist cleverly hidden in disguise of a sex scene.

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They go for a vacation(more sexy time).

People start dying all around.
“Koi hai Jo badla lena chahta hai”
KLPD scene because of the evil power.

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Heroine shouts like this.

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Essential pyromania using some random dug up body or idol.
Happily ever after.

Sequel is announced.

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Sex – Shout – Burn – Repeat.

I won’t go to see the movie. So please keep me updated about any changes in the Vikram Bhatt story line or any freshness in erotic scenes. All those scenes won’t torrent themselves.

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Kabaddi! Naam toh suna hoga!

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Star Sports Pro Kabaddi league makes me feel nostalgic, because I spent a lot of my childhood summer holiday mornings playing this sport. Not very pleasant memories though, because being the thinnest creature of my group, I was always picked last, and even the girls of my group were picked by captains before me. My raids into the opposition area usually began with them saying “Pakad lo bhencho isey” and ended with me saying “Aaahh Lag gayi Mujhe kutto!“.

I confess that I started watching the league because I thought it would be a very violent and hence hilarious affair. What else could one expect after bringing together 14 Haryana Jaats and/or Punjabi potatoes on a mat and asking them to use physical force? I expected a lot of MC-BC chants and ‘desi kick-boxing’ (read: random and dangerous flinging of all four limbs), but instead what I got was a very intriguing and technical game.

Kabaddi was the last game I expected to be technical, because what I remember from my childhood was a box made up of our own footwear divided into two halves by more of our own, or at times borrowed footwear. Now, there are multiple lines in each half, most probably denoting ‘Beware! Jaat inside’ or ‘Ta cha Mayla maratha capture area’. The teams have specialists now (raiders and defenders). Instead, we had, and I am not kidding, ‘Choos-Lees‘ and ‘Saands‘(bulls).

The teams in the league have amazing names such as U-Mumba, inspired from the nickname of Mukesh Ambani’s son. Junior Bachchan owns the Jaipur team, and hence we know where the family earnings from Kaun Banega Crorepati have gone. (None of the above people are politicians, hence I am free to make jokes on them till Jaya ji gets high again). Junior Bachchan cheers for his team in every match and gives a lot of angry/fierce/passionate/Why-am-I-not-getting-movies expressions. #SRKChakDeIndiaWannabe.

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I wish this league stays and grows. With the Indian test cricket in shambles and most of us not giving a fuck about ODIs till the world cup next year, India needs some sporting action to feel better. Manchester United fans and Virat Kohli are excluded from the above criteria.

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Best Man at a ‘Vyaah’

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My elder brother is getting married, and it has given me a chance to be a witness to stereotypical punjabi wedding preparations. Here are the notes… A first hand experience.

Vyaah is the punjabi word for a typical punjabi wedding. I am 50% punjabi and 50% brahmin, which is possibly the worst Indian ethnicity combination because you are torn apart between your lust for chicken and alcohol and your principles as a brahmin. As a result we have to use any lame excuse to justify our non-vegetarian habits. My current excuse is “bhai kya karein, Kalyug hai!”

The first event in a Sharma family wedding is the Kirtan/Jaagran, because, you know, the surname. I have been told that it is necessary to ask God for blessings for the new couple. That is just half the truth. The function also serves as a prayer to God to keep the wedding budget in check and to forgive us for hosting a cocktail party.

Punjabis do not need to book any artists because the star attraction of a Punjabi wedding is that particular uncle/jeeja who performs that sacred dance on Anoop Jalota’s ahead-of-its-time priceless booze music after getting sloshed at almost every function. Totally unrelated fact: a significant portion of my family is only interested in knowing the brand of whisky being served at the cocktail party. The rest of the family is my mother.

A vyaah has a lot of serious issues like clothes, venue, clothes, catering and, ahem …clothes. I stress on clothes because that’s what seems to be the sole purpose of the female half of my family. A happy day for them is a day when they can find any accessories matching their dress. A happier day is when they can find a better dress than the previous one. Hence, buy-match-discard-repeat cycle continues.(Plays like a song in their mind, I guess)

I have relatives who do the typical rat-in-my-underpants dance in the baaraat, and then from time to time, put their arm around the groom’s shoulder and ask if he is happy and having fun. According to me, the real question to the groom should be “On a scale of zero to ‘I want to kill myself’, how embarrassed do you feel?”

After a lot of unfruitful shopping trips, I have finalized my perfect look for the wedding: A neat and clean shave which might make my face look like Tiger Shroff’s chest, and 2-3 layers of inners beneath my suit to ensure that I look bulky, and then I will pray for the 47 degree Celsius outside to be easy on me.

Being a part of a Punjabi wedding is like Vidya Balan’s ‘The Dirty Picture‘. Yes, it is entertainment three times over, but might cause a lot of embarrassment if you are in the audience with your extended family.

Now if you will excuse me I have to go and get ready. I wonder if Tiger Shroff uses a razor or sandpaper?

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