Best Man at a ‘Vyaah’

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My elder brother is getting married, and it has given me a chance to be a witness to stereotypical punjabi wedding preparations. Here are the notes… A first hand experience.

Vyaah is the punjabi word for a typical punjabi wedding. I am 50% punjabi and 50% brahmin, which is possibly the worst Indian ethnicity combination because you are torn apart between your lust for chicken and alcohol and your principles as a brahmin. As a result we have to use any lame excuse to justify our non-vegetarian habits. My current excuse is “bhai kya karein, Kalyug hai!”

The first event in a Sharma family wedding is the Kirtan/Jaagran, because, you know, the surname. I have been told that it is necessary to ask God for blessings for the new couple. That is just half the truth. The function also serves as a prayer to God to keep the wedding budget in check and to forgive us for hosting a cocktail party.

Punjabis do not need to book any artists because the star attraction of a Punjabi wedding is that particular uncle/jeeja who performs that sacred dance on Anoop Jalota’s ahead-of-its-time priceless booze music after getting sloshed at almost every function. Totally unrelated fact: a significant portion of my family is only interested in knowing the brand of whisky being served at the cocktail party. The rest of the family is my mother.

A vyaah has a lot of serious issues like clothes, venue, clothes, catering and, ahem …clothes. I stress on clothes because that’s what seems to be the sole purpose of the female half of my family. A happy day for them is a day when they can find any accessories matching their dress. A happier day is when they can find a better dress than the previous one. Hence, buy-match-discard-repeat cycle continues.(Plays like a song in their mind, I guess)

I have relatives who do the typical rat-in-my-underpants dance in the baaraat, and then from time to time, put their arm around the groom’s shoulder and ask if he is happy and having fun. According to me, the real question to the groom should be “On a scale of zero to ‘I want to kill myself’, how embarrassed do you feel?”

After a lot of unfruitful shopping trips, I have finalized my perfect look for the wedding: A neat and clean shave which might make my face look like Tiger Shroff’s chest, and 2-3 layers of inners beneath my suit to ensure that I look bulky, and then I will pray for the 47 degree Celsius outside to be easy on me.

Being a part of a Punjabi wedding is like Vidya Balan’s ‘The Dirty Picture‘. Yes, it is entertainment three times over, but might cause a lot of embarrassment if you are in the audience with your extended family.

Now if you will excuse me I have to go and get ready. I wonder if Tiger Shroff uses a razor or sandpaper?

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Ankit Sharma ki List

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Here is a list of points I am looking for in a girl for no obvious reason. A tribute to my favorite comedian Vir Das, inspired by his upcoming movie Amit Sahni ki List.

1. Must be at least 5’6″ tall. Heels are acceptable to achieve that height only if NOT accompanied by constant cribbing about having to wear them.

2. Must not be a football fan. If a football fan, must not state random facts or opinions and make me feel stupid.

3. Justin Bieber fan strictly contraindicated.

4. Must NEVER be a source of candy crush requests.

5. Maggi is the minimum requisite as well as the maximum expectation in terms of cooking.

6. Must be well educated. Allowed to correct my grammar mistakes a maximum of three times a day.

7. Must wear nice clothes. Must remember to remove brand labels to avoid being termed a show-off.

8. Cricket fan preferred, but at no point must she make any direct comparison of Virat Kohli’s beard with my irregular patches of facial hair.

9. Almost any taste in music is alright as long as I am not forced to listen to excess of Enrique or any Selena Gomez at all.

10. Must be a Game of Thrones fan. Imp must be her favorite character. She should silently pray on a daily basis that Imp must not die.
In the case she has read the book, any spoiler shall be a cause of termination of relationship with immediate effect.

11. Looks do not matter to me as long as size doesn’t matter to her.

(Request: Please do not read too much into the last point)

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Unpaid Preview: Ek Villain

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Disclaimer: The movie (and the preview) is NOT based on the autobiography of Shakti Kapoor. Any resemblance must be considered a casting-couch attempt.

Balaji Motion Pictures present their latest thriller… Ek Villain. With this movie, their sequel-making factory continues working, because most probably this movie is a sequel of either Love Sex aur Dhokha or Ek Thi Daayan, depending on who turns out to be the villain. It could be any of the three lead actors of the movie, or the star attraction… Kamaal Rashid Khan.

Yes, the rumors and the Mayan calendar doomsday prediction is true. KRK, India’s only world-famous moron  and the world’s most advanced case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, is finally working in a movie not funded by the sale of his family land and property. His previous work was the humanity-challenging film Deshdrohi, which had destroyed all concepts of acting and filmmaking, before they were re-destroyed by Sajid Khan’s Humshakals.

This is Sidharth Malhotra’s third movie after SOTY, and the relationship-breaker rom-com Hasee to Phasee, which has the record of being the second largest reason of break-ups among young couples after Gori Tere Pyaar Mein. In this movie, he plays a criminal, which was not tough to deduce because according to Mohit Suri, hoodies is the official dress-code of National Criminal Association of India.

Riteish Deshmukh looks like a psychopath in the trailer, and I am sure that the role will come naturally to him, because he has done 4 movies with Sajid Khan, and I am sure that count is enough to either destroy your career in Bollywood or sink your brain right to your knees.

Shraddha Kapoor is as always looking beautiful, and hence Aashiqui2 fans have a reason to get drunk and storm the theaters again.

Mohit Suri, the director of the film, has refuted all claims about the film being ‘inspired’ from the Korean movie ‘I Saw The Devil’. I believe him. I also believed Pritam when he said something similar. We are Indians. We do not copy or get inspired. We do not lie because hum Geeta par haath rakh kar kasam khaate hain…

I surely want to watch the movie and I have two strong reasons for that:
1. Prachi Desai in Awari. Yum!
2.

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Yeah, you heard him! Now don’t be a super duper one and go watch the movie.

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Unpaid Preview: Humshakals

Disclaimer: Not much of the following is based on truth. Except the Wikipedia facts and the feelings. Ai shapath.

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Humshakals is an upcoming movie directed by self-proclaimed comedy genius and Farah Khan look-alike Sajid Khan. The star-cast(LOL) of movie includes Saif Ali Khan, poor man’s Ranbir Kapoor (Riteish Deshmukh) and the Indian version of Andre-the-giant (famous for the ironically titled TV series ‘Bade acche lagte hain‘).

Sajid Khan took a risk by bringing these three actors together, and then he challenged the sanity of the audience by multiplying the equation by three, because not even Sajid Khan himself can be sure about their comic timing.

Ram Kapoor’s previous movie was ‘Mere Dad Ki Maruti‘, and I was disappointed because Ram kapoor did not play the role of the car (Maruti Ertiga) in the movie. Worse, the car was portrayed by Sonakshi Sinha, and I hate the South-west zone(sector 23-26) of her forehead. The last time Saif tried to do comedy was as Boris/Barees in Go Goa Gone, and he left the audience praying for a zombie holocaust. So out of the three actors, it is only Riteish that I can think of spending my money on, but now even his IQ is dropping at the rate of 1.5 Alia Bhatt units per Sajid Khan movie.

Music is by Himesh Reshammiya, but he might have been acting, singing, and doing what-not in Xposé along with this project so I am sure that most of the songs are jinxed. That caller tune song more or less proves my theory. The Wikipedia page for the movie shows its running time as 159 minutes and budget as 55 crore rupees, and expectedly, it scares the Shirish Kunder out of me, because it seems like a scam or a conspiracy theory in itself.

The female cast of the movie comprises of Bipasha, Tamannah and Esha Gupta, or at least their legs and navel as the trailers show, hence making sure that (given there are enough item songs) I will download the movie or at least the videos using torrent.

The summary is… Finally, Akhil Bollywood Sajid  Khan Rozgaar Yojna is back. Previous beneficiaries like Shreyas Talpede and Fardeen Khan are actively writing testimonials for Sajid Khan, though the president of their ‘Retired-but-not-giving-up Actors Association’, Sir Chunkey Pandey, is reportedly unhappy. But I still believe… He’saaJoking!

Hence, No, I will not go to watch this movie in the theater. Shakal se lagta hu, par hu nahi.

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Because Politics Is Stupid

Out of the very few useful things that these elections taught me, my favorite one was knowing that organisms like Amit Shah actually exist. I was tired of believing that Saurabh Shukla and Satish Kaushik played only fictitious characters in bollywood.

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The other good thing about the elections was that Indian-version-of-blonde of a human being known as Rahul Gandhi. After that epic interview with Arnab Goswami, which left the audience in splits and Sonia Gandhi with a facepalm, I realised how easy it is to create a fool out of oneself on TV. A stay at Bigg Boss house or being Ekta Kapoor is no more necessary for that.

The unending and sometimes annoying coverage of elections on TV, newspaper and even facebook really increased my general knowledge. For example, now I know that Snoop-gate wasn’t related to voyeurism or pornography, and I was trying to search about it on the wrong website. Also, now I know what a ‘Third Front’ is. As per my understanding, these are regional parties which, if get more than 20 seats, become important. Or as Manmohan Singh calls them, pain-in-the-ass.

Then there was the Modi-wave. The man is believed to have been born in Kryptonmati Ashram, and has led his state to milestones in development which, if you ask me, can be summed up as Lol-dry-state-whats-the-use.

I voted for Modi, and then committed hara-kiri by telling that to people on facebook. I was called anti-national, communal, April’s fool and was angry enough to find myself following Giriraj Singh’s Twitter account. You can follow him too at @IRCTC_DelhitoLahoreTrainservice.

There was also a minor Aam Aadmi Party current prevailing, at least in Delhi. As a 23-year old unemployed couch-potato, I would prefer that they take care of the corruption in IPL first. I’m sure Shazia Ilmi would bring more glamour quotient. And Dilli-wallas would be happy to see a team perform worse than Delhi Daredevils. Win-win! Since the elections are over, I can be honest. I didn’t vote for them because I am scared of Amit Shah, the man solely responsible for increased cases of nocturnal enuresis(bed wetting) in UP.

Now that the BJP government has been elected with a majority, I wish them best of luck. May Rajnath Singh (Yes, that Raza Murad’s voice-double guy) be better than that pseudo-Susheel guy and hopefully Arun Jaitley will not find his name being urinated upon on Railway station walls.

Also, I am worried about the fact that Falguni Pathak may be named the National Singer of India. About that, please Mr. Modi, let’s not make any rash decisions here.

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Wrong about ‘About Me’

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Hi. My name is Dr. Ankit Sharma. I am like any average Ankit Sharma except for the fact that I have an MBBS degree, hence my knowledge about private parts does not come only from porn.

I was born in a middle class family. To make my financial status more clear, just imagine a kid who would have been a social outcast at any Delhi Public School branch but would have been a chick-magnet at a Rajkiya/Sarvodaya Vidyalaya.

I spent a normal childhood where I was allowed to go to play outside after I had completed my homework, tuitions and preparation for exams. Yes, exactly, after Eternity. Due to lack of physical sports and over-enthusiastic genetic make up, I grew taller than 6 feet with a body structure for which X-rays are not necessary to diagnose fractures.

I was raised as a typical ‘Parents ka Raja Beta‘. That is why I was made to believe that I looked ‘just fine’ while the world felt puke-ish at the mere mention of my name. I realised that fact when I looked at the mirror after hitting puberty.

Puberty, like all other normal boys, made me awkward and under-confident. Yes, like today’s Rahul Gandhi except the fair skin and low IQ.

I didn’t always want to be a doctor. I was OK at maths too. But then, shit happens. It was either a session of perverted thoughts after reading the chapter on Reproduction in biology, or generalised family tendency to want to have grey hair before achieving job security, that made me opt for this career.

I want to be known as a funny guy. Totally unrelated fact, mostly I cry myself to sleep.

I know how to play drums. Honestly,  I can only fit a 4 by 4 beat into almost any song. No, I have never done, nor am I interested to do Mata ke Jaagran.

I had a short acting career in college. People never threw eggs or tomatoes. So, Yay.

I am a movie buff. My wildest fantasy includes watching DDLJ at maratha mandir or Avengers at IMAX. Now, you may think that It’s sad, but… I agree.

I am not a teetotaller. I think beer is awesome because of many reasons. I think wine is awful only because it is beyond my affordability.

No, I am not drunk right now.

Hopefully the above ‘About Me’ tells you more than the usual “Now wat do I say bout mahself, I m loving, caring, luv to live life fully, mah close friends knw me…” style facebook introductions that you read.

Yours truly :-)

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Being Intern – VII: Jai Ho Rural Doctor

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The End is Near…. or IS IT?

(Disclaimer: The following nonsense is not about any human being living or dead. However, it contains the thoughts of a former human being, now known as an intern.)

Finally, a fresh MBBS graduate’s
nightmare is going to be realised very soon. Mandatory. One year. Rural service.
Or as the Congress calls it ‘ Akhil Bhartiya Rahul Gandhi MBBS ko MD karne se roko Yojna’.
As expected, there are a lot of
protests and heated debates going on.
It’s all over the TV too, be it Arnab Goswami whispering “WILL THE GOVERNMENT PROVIDE THE DOCTORS WITH FRESH GREEN LEAVES OR A STANDARD PAANIKA LOTA TO GO BEHIND THE BUSHES- IS THE QUESTION THE NATION IS ASKING RIGHT NOW”, or be it India TV’s special
section on ‘Gaon ka Daktar- Maseeha ya Nausikhiya?’

Just the thought of doctors being
against this move is being taken as an example of unethical practice. Well, I beg to differ. I believe that we have our own issues. Issues of salary, safety, services, and most importantly- the lack of free stationery by MRs in the villages.
Over the lack of services, I pondered a lot (Read- let my imagination go
absolutely wild after a session of
serious intoxication) and tried to
imagine how the OPD’s would run in villages-

Villager: “Saab, I have a swelling in my groin.”
Doc: “It’s a hernia. Needs to be
operated upon, in a city hospital.”
*
Villager: “Saab, I’ve had a fever for the last three days.”
The doctor takes a history narrows it down to about 683 differentials, none of which he is sure about, and then prescribes with full confidence- T. Paracetamol 500mg SOS.
Refer to Medicine OPD LNH for
further investigations and expert
management.
*
Villager: “Saab my wife is pregnant!”
Doc:- Refer to ANC OPD LNH for antenatal check-up.
If you were out of station in the past few weeks, refer to a good lawyer,
Tis Hazari court.
*
I firmly believe that it would take a lot of systematic planning to put an intern’s expertise to good use in the villages. Some of the talents of an average intern are as follows:
1. We can fill forms at lightning fast speed. We can cater to demands of ‘parcha banana'(filling forms) of an entire ANC OPD (aka the whole pregnant population of
Daryaganj) in just 5 hours.
2. We can lie, cheat and steal to get blood on cross-match.
3. No matter how many pricks it takes, we will ALWAYS get blood out of a patient’s vein/artery/whatever else it could come out of.
4. We can work with used gloves, re-used gloves and anything which looks like gloves.
5. Our skill with intra-caths… well, it varies on a day-to-day basis. But hey, form is temporary, class is permanent.
CLEARLY, there are many many
gaping holes in the government’s half-baked plan. But the government still tried to
justify it by saying that at least
during an emergency, a doctor will be there. For example- a woman in
labour. To this I respond-
What??! Delivery karaun? Main??
OMG ye to LOL ho gaya!!!

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Childhood in the 90s: Middle-class memories

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This piece is the result of having spent 2-3 hours with under-fives of my family. So please, after reading, do not label me as immature and childish or idiotic. That is already a well-known fact.

Every minute spent with kids makes me proud of having spent my childhood in a way much more awesome to theirs. And I’m not only talking about the fact that we had better Pokemons.

The kids these days usually spend leisure time at home playing video games. Then there is insatiable greed for newer versions of those games. We, on the other hand, did not have anything called ‘leisure time’. Our day was divided into following time slots:

1. School,
2. Homework,
3. Running out of home without telling, and
4. Getting beaten up by parents
5. Sleep

During the time we were not copying homework, we used to play games which required actual movements of hands and feet and didn’t amount to premature dependence on spectacles. Well, for being a male kid, I had to endure Hide-and-Seek and Gallery and Corner-Corner and other estrogen-rich games, but they definitely played a role in bringing out my sensitive side(read: crying myself to sleep daily when I was not able to win any game for weeks together).

Cartoons these days are excessively boring too. We had Mickey Mouse and Duck Tales and Johnny Bravo and Pokemon. By the time cheap spin-offs like Pogo came, we had moved on to better things like Bigg Boss and better animation *cough*Hentai*cough*. Compared to those times, re-runs of Doraemon are converting normal kids of this generation into Kangna Ranauts.

We didn’t have every single one of our wishes fulfilled. Most of the chocolates and other confectionary products were divided into ‘Mom will never allow’ and ‘worth a main-khana-nahi-khaunga‘. We didn’t have facebook accounts, nor did we have Rota-virus vaccines. So we know what it was like having real childhood friends and having our parents tell them our  embarrassing diarrhoea stories.

They have smart phones these days, but everyone knows that they can’t beat the thrill of knowing someone who owns a Nokia 6600. We had family movies starring SRK, whereas kids are exposed to Sunny Leone these days. Honestly, I am not sure who wins that argument.

To sum it up, I am proud to be a 90s’ kid. It was the best decade ever.

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Home-coming of a hosteler

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The experience of coming for a function at home for a guy who has come back from a phase of hostel life 5.5 years long can vary from pleasant to back-breaking. Literally back-breaking because there are about 80-plus pair of feet that you have to touch and take blessings.

In no way should this piece suggest that I don’t like my family. I love them. We are as united as a family can get. Don’t believe me?? Play a Yo Yo Honey Singh song and we’ll show you what ‘Bhojpuri vulgar soul in a Punjabi born-to-dance body’ means.

In addition to that, most of the brothers and sisters are now married and have kids. That means a lot of cute babies and kids around you to pull cheeks of, but that also means more names to be remembered and more gender goof-ups. My siblings are okay with it but somehow my elders start giving me those ‘Kids-these-days’ looks when I refer to a baby boy as a baby girl or vice versa. And unfortunately, I do that very often.

Yes, I like it when people refer to me as ‘Doctor’, but the questions that follow may or may not be answerable. Best ones…
1. What are you/want to specialise in? What’s that?


2. Beta we are going to need you in the future. You plan to stay here or go ‘foreign’?


Foreign?? Yeah sure. Export quality certified doctor in the house y’all!! Other than uninhibited lust for Madhuri Dixit, I am not planning to be another Dr. Nene.


3. Where is your posting these days? Do they treat knee joint pain?


4. So what are your plans after this?


In this NEET era where I’m currently unemployed, this particular question makes me cry.


5. What are your plans for marriage?

My answer to the last one is usually a fake “Ha ha” but honestly I feel like saying “I’m a Salman bhai fan. Celibacy till Katrina says yes”.

Then there are political discussions with elders where they ask us what we think because they want “point-of-view of the new generation” but is followed by looks that clearly shout ‘A generation which mocks Alok Nath and watches Sonakshi Sinha movies can know nothing about politics”. Factually correct but honestly, I don’t want to be a part of Rahul-Modi arguments, as long as Moditards are winning the argument.

It is fun but not easy to be a part of a joint family. But yes, like in all other respects, in political discussions too, Family Comes First.

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Archives: A Love Letter

Few months ago I was asked to write an article as a ‘guest’ writer for Lady Hardinge Medical College magazine. ‘Atithi tum kab jaoge’ sentiments prevailed and due to social/ communal/ political/ obvious reasons, the article couldn’t be in the magazine. Hence, the magazine went on to become a success and I am still unemployed as ever.
A big thanks to Suman Pal for the design. You are the second most creative person I have ever known, next to Sunny Leone obviously.
Also, thanks to LHMC editorial team for giving me the idea.
Please take the article in good humor. It doesn’t intend to hurt any feelings or impress anyone.

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