My elder brother is getting married, and it has given me a chance to be a witness to stereotypical punjabi wedding preparations. Here are the notes… A first hand experience.
Vyaah is the punjabi word for a typical punjabi wedding. I am 50% punjabi and 50% brahmin, which is possibly the worst Indian ethnicity combination because you are torn apart between your lust for chicken and alcohol and your principles as a brahmin. As a result we have to use any lame excuse to justify our non-vegetarian habits. My current excuse is “bhai kya karein, Kalyug hai!”
The first event in a Sharma family wedding is the Kirtan/Jaagran, because, you know, the surname. I have been told that it is necessary to ask God for blessings for the new couple. That is just half the truth. The function also serves as a prayer to God to keep the wedding budget in check and to forgive us for hosting a cocktail party.
Punjabis do not need to book any artists because the star attraction of a Punjabi wedding is that particular uncle/jeeja who performs that sacred dance on Anoop Jalota’s ahead-of-its-time priceless booze music after getting sloshed at almost every function. Totally unrelated fact: a significant portion of my family is only interested in knowing the brand of whisky being served at the cocktail party. The rest of the family is my mother.
A vyaah has a lot of serious issues like clothes, venue, clothes, catering and, ahem …clothes. I stress on clothes because that’s what seems to be the sole purpose of the female half of my family. A happy day for them is a day when they can find any accessories matching their dress. A happier day is when they can find a better dress than the previous one. Hence, buy-match-discard-repeat cycle continues.(Plays like a song in their mind, I guess)
I have relatives who do the typical rat-in-my-underpants dance in the baaraat, and then from time to time, put their arm around the groom’s shoulder and ask if he is happy and having fun. According to me, the real question to the groom should be “On a scale of zero to ‘I want to kill myself’, how embarrassed do you feel?”
After a lot of unfruitful shopping trips, I have finalized my perfect look for the wedding: A neat and clean shave which might make my face look like Tiger Shroff’s chest, and 2-3 layers of inners beneath my suit to ensure that I look bulky, and then I will pray for the 47 degree Celsius outside to be easy on me.
Being a part of a Punjabi wedding is like Vidya Balan’s ‘The Dirty Picture‘. Yes, it is entertainment three times over, but might cause a lot of embarrassment if you are in the audience with your extended family.
Now if you will excuse me I have to go and get ready. I wonder if Tiger Shroff uses a razor or sandpaper?