The Average MBBS Viva: Uncensored!!

An attempt. Trying to decipher, honestly, what goes on inside a student’s mind during a viva. There is a battle between what one thinks(Mind:) and what one speaks(Mouth:).. to answer the examiner(Prof:). And what better subject than a final year subject to illustrate this.
Disclaimer: Completely a work of fiction. No offence meant to any frustrated soul… anywhere.

Prof: Are you ready with your case?
Mind: Farak kya padega? Maarni tune hai hi!
Mouth: Sir I need a few more minutes.

Prof: No. I don’t have that much time. Start now.
Mind: To saale puchha Kyu tha? Anyways… Suno fir.
Mouth: Sir I’m presenting the case of xyz…

Prof: Arey cut the story. Come to the diagnosis.
Mind: Easy man!! I could say “cut the viva, come to marks” too, but that’s just rude na! Ye saala 60 ke upar sab aise hi ho jaate hain?
Mouth: Sir it is a case of bilateral hydrocele… Most prob…

Prof: What makes you think so?
Mind: Bhen… Can I complete one fuckin’ sentence?
Mouth: Sir gradual swelling of the scrotum…

Prof: Did the patient tell you himself?
Mind: Ya. And the funny part is, he seemed really happy in the beginning. Thought himself to be a super-male or something.
Mouth: Yes Sir. And his wife verified the history.
Mind: Tharki couple. Eh, sir?

Prof: What other condition could cause such symptom?
Mind: Le… Ab lagegi.
Mouth: Ummm… Sir…

Prof: Seriously?? You don’t know the differentials??
Mind: Pata hain. Aur ye bhi Pata hai ki har answer pe 10 naye question aur har question pe alag tareeke se maaroge meri. So I’m thinking before speaking. And honestly old man!! You interrupting ain’t helping.
Mouth: Sir… ummm…

Prof: What were you doing this whole year!!!
Mind: Ok… Friends, girlfriend, movies, fests… and dude!! All that beer won’t drink itself!! Oh! Rhetorical ques tha na?
Mouth: Sir… Sorry sir.

Prof: The most basic case and you’re clueless!!!
Mind: Sabse basic? Bhenchod seriously? Kitaab me 12 page ka hai!!!
Mouth: Sir…

Prof: Do you know how many students fail each year?
Mind: And… ‘The dialogue’. That said it. Failed. Note to self: Need 3-4 beer pints to forget this.
Mouth:….

Prof: And this is the level… We should not really allow you to practise. Just hold you back here in the college.
Mind: Make that 7-8 pints. And may be some rum. A lot of rum.
Mouth: Sorry sir.
Mind: Kya sorry-sorry Chutiye!! Be a man!! Ask him to ask another question na!
Mouth: Sir one more chance…

Prof: One more chance?!?! Does a dying patient get one more chance? Does a sick …….
Mind: Sorry. My bad. All hope is lost. Hmm… Movie Kaun si release hui hai aaj??
Mouth: No sir… Sorry sir.
Mind: Back to square one. Rone ki acting karu??

Prof: How many marks do you think out of 10 you deserve??
Mind: 9. No, too much. 6. Adequate par budhdha dega nahi. 3.5 maang leta hu. Assessment to puri hogi…
Mouth: Sir 3.5.
Mind: Hain??!! Bol daala??? Fuck.

Prof: 3.5?!?! 3.5 ?!?! That’s what you are here for?? To complete assessment?? It’s MBBS!!! Not some DU graduation college. I tell you what you deserve. 0… See… Right here… A big zero.
Mind: Royally… Fucked…

Matru Ki Bijli Ka Mandola: Review

Oh God. Why?

Why does Anushka Sharma have to always act high on a combination of crack and stupidity?

Why is Imran Khan still getting movies? With looks similar to Aftab Ugliyani and acting skills similar to Dino Morea (as close to nil as possible), he should have been managing his own medium priced three star dhaba after retirement now.

Why was Arya babbar born in India? I can only imagine the amount of shame and the number of facepalms Mr. Raj Babbar has to endure on seeing his son act. No wonder Prateik forfeited his surname. Who would want his name associated with someone whose acting skills suck more than a south Indian in dimly lit videos on malluempire dot com.

Pankaj Kapur… He just couldn’t do much to salvage the movie.

Dear Vishal Bhardwaj. If you think you will show the biggest problems India is facing… Farmers’ plight, corruption, alcohol addiction, and actors like Imran Khan, and then add stupid, unfunny and irritating gimmicks such as a pink buffalo, drunken plane-flying, and, well, actors like Arya babbar and will get away with it, you are mistaken.

My respect for Vishal Bhardwaj, for the fact that he succeeded in making even Shahid Kapur look good, is dying slowly…

Bollywood 2013… Be nice to people c’mon!!

Final Year MBBS: Review (Part II)

Here is another take on the final year.

And somehow it takes a turn towards that dreaded feeling of the last academic year of MBBS coming to an end… no more college now.

Its on Facebook, give it a read.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/ankit-sharma/the-maddening-experience/10151307936382719

Dabangg 2: Review

No. It’s not possible for Salman khan NOT to tickle us with a joke in the middle of a fight or the climax.

No, it is not possible for Dabangg to lose. The only person stronger than him on earth is his wife, Sonakshi.

No, it is not possible for Salman khan to be just average. He is kick-ass as a dabangg, and he knows it.

Yes, it is possible for prakash raj to look funnier and scarier than sonu sood.

No. It is not possible for Sonakshi Sinha to look pretty. Or just thin. Or just human.

Yes, it is possible for Arbaaz Khan to do something good in life. Other than Malaika Arora.

Yes. It is easier to portray your true self on screen.
Salman Khan is truly Dabangg.
Arbaaz Khan is truly retarded??

Some new masala such as new found father-son love(way better than so called love in Ra.One) as well as brotherly love. Dabangg 2 is 2x action, 2x bakchodi, and 2x the fun. Going at this rate, future generation would need a lot more cinema halls… Just to be there… While he is in action.

Sorry if the last line sounded perverted.

I have this feeling that British people deeply wish James Bond was even half as awesome as Chulbul Pandey.

Final Year MBBS: Review

Thanks to final year, I can write a depending on Kitne marks ka hai on What is 2 plus 2?

In an mcq, I’ll mark 4 and move on. But for long question, I’m sure many of sheets would read crap such as “its been a mystery since ancient Times” and the methods being used are abacus, calculators, computers, linear equating in ‘n’ variables. And yes… Some authorities like bollywood claim it to be 5 or 22.

It was always funny to see vivid expressions… Such as horror (now I know what the phrase “jaise saale ki dono kidney maang Li ho” means) on the face of examiner.

I have also learnt the value of the word ‘may’. No matter how absurd a treatment or symptom may sound, may just makes it… Not wrong.

And it was mating season for pigeons… Sometimes it became very tough to concentrate into the book with all the noisy pigeon-porn going on in the balcony.

And about the getting it whole hotch potch… It’s true. I truly believe that stages of labour was the correct answer for any ‘stages’ question… Be it stages of deglutition, or worse, stages of defecation.. its all engagement-descent-flexion.

An average final year student can never be satisfied with the question paper… It’s either “Kya kya puchh liya yar!!” Or “Kitna general paper tha… Bakchodi karwani thi to paper Kyu liya?!”

And post exams…
1. Almost every teetotaller makes his debut in alcoholism, and abuses every thing from the exams to the system even the friend who might interrupt him. And fb reviews become dramatic, like everything is a toast to life post exams…

Morning tea and novel… Wah

Ice outside my home… Wah

Smooth bowel movements… Wah

Oh BC… Chai me makhkhi… Wah

2. After results… That Dr. Tag…

Congrats to fellow 2008 mates…
Live long… Heal others…

Like/ share/ abuse…
Whatever you feel…

Talaash: Review

Minor spoiler ahead… Well, more like the only spoiler which could have been… ahead. So read and discuss only if you have seen it already or even better… are giving it a miss.

Reema kagti, Aamir khan, Zoya akhtar… A conspiracy overheard.

Reema: Hey. I have an awesome idea. Let’s make a murder mystery.
Zoya: Ya. Like the most amazing one since dhobi ghaat.

Aamir: Both my perfect ears are with you.

Reema: So there is a high profile actor, who has a few ‘shaukeen’ friends… If you know what I mean.

Zoya: like they hire whores and stuff… Giggle Giggle…

Reema: so they all die in weird circumstances… And an awesome twist.

Zoya: mystery killer?

Reema: no.

Aamir: zokkomon? a.k.a Darsheel safari?

Reema: no.

Farhaan: Don??

Reema: fuck off.

Zoya: tell na…

Reema: an aatma… A revenge seeking soul. A hot prostitute type aatma.

Aamir: Rani Mukherjee??

Reema: I meant hot.

Zoya: Rakhi Sawant?

Reema: No. No part should resemble someone’s own life. Kareena kapoor.

Zoya: 100 crores guaranteed!!!

Aamir: Shit. *Women!!*

Ae farhaan! Tu Don 2 wali kamaai Laga, main 3 idiots wali.

Damn K.K.K.Kiran… A husband like Aamir and a friend like Reema. Karma is balanced.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan: Review

Srk has changed… Read on how...

Gone are the days when he would spread his arms wide enough to accomodate a dolly bindra. He now clenches his fists and lets women drool at his beard.

Gone are the days when the first time he would touch his heroine would be for getting her to catch the train. Now he makes out with them in parks, and makes love to them before marriage. Then doesn’t marry them. Yash Raj Films ka dude!!!

Also gone are the days when he would dance around distributing friendship Bands and/or free definitions of love. He now goes around jumping around only if it involves saving young hot reporters. Hrithik did that too in lakshya but hey… Yash Chopra knew that saving a barkha dutt look alike won’t get 100 crores.

The new SRK will not play drums after shouting aaaa… He will instead strum a guitar and try to lip-sync rabbi shergill. And let audience do the aaaa part.

New SRK will not dance with a madhuri in a suit or a kajol in a towel covering up all the good stuff. He will only dance with a kareena or a Katrina if they dare to bare their belly buttons… Ishq is more shava and chammak is more challo only if garnished with extra navel.

Katrina kaif... I thought there were only two places where her name should come up. After “ohh and ahh” in most Young Indian male fantasies and after ” bitch please” in reply to anyone saying Kirsten Stewart can’t act.

Anushka Sharma. Feel real pity for her coz she always has to play the role of the woman who is abusing ecstasy pills. This is the 3rd movie that she has been in just for a swim suit scene and a song about how hot she is and how high she is on life.

The essence of SRK romance is still quite the same.

A must watch not because its a good style of romance. But because it is the only style of romance that a 90s kid knows.

Little disappointed with it though…
But Still an SRK fan… jab tak hai jaan.